When You Think of Happiness
by HappyOlitzing
Summary: Set in Season 1, overwhelmed with the new reality of Charming, Tara begins to daydream about what her future with Jax would have been like if she hadn't left. "When you think of happiness, I hope you think of my head on your chest, I hope you think of me wearing your old SAMCRO tshirts."
1. Chapter 1

Hi! This a brand new story, although it is my second SOA story (Since I Was Sixteen is my first).

This is a reality & daydream story.

Tara is overwhelmed with the new reality of her adult life in Charming. Jax has a child that isn't hers, he is newly divorced, both of her parents are dead, Gemma who was once the only mother she had now hates her, she has no ties to the club anymore, her friendship with Donna is almost ruined, she's not sure if Jax still loves her, her stalker has chased her all the way to Charming (Kohn isn't dead yet!), and she's starting a brand new job.

 _Since she's not sure where her relationship with Jax is heading, she finds herself wondering what would have been. She doesn't regret leaving, she needed to leave and become her own person, as viewers and lovers of Jax & Tara, we understand her leaving. But at this point in her life, newly returned to Charming and facing the harsh reality of what leaving did to her old friends, she's unsure what will come out of it. _

_Read & find out how she imagined her life if she hadn't left 11 years ago. _

_This first chapter sets up for chapter 2 and so on, this explains how she left, why she left and how she felt._

 _Set in Season 1 and will move forward. Some things in the show will not happen, and some will. I haven't decided where to take it yet._

* * *

"What would've happened, if you left with me 11 years go?" She asked, partially dreading his answer.

"What would've happened if you stayed?" He responded, full of angst, lust and heartache.

I paused, not knowing what to say. Trying to form a new relationship with him was harder now than it was in high school. "I don't know."

"Do you love me?" He asked. _Of course I do, idiot! I never stopped!_

"I don't know." I wanted to scream yes, that I've always loved you, that no one has made me happier. But, it wasn't that simple. I couldn't just run back to him when I got lonely. We were adults now, if we were going to start over it had to be right.

"It's a simple answer." He said.

Did he expect me to just fall back into his arms? "It's not a simple question."

"I know."

My mind was whisked away to the past, to the unknown reality of what could've been. I was lost in my own mind.

To be honest, at 19 all I wanted was to stay in Charming and become Jackson Teller's old lady. We were madly in love, the kind of love that consumed every part of your soul. We formed an unbreakable bond over the three years we dated in high school, one that ended up breaking due to our own demons, ghosts of our pasts and the ultimate fear of what our future together may hold.

As badly as I yearned to change my last name to Teller, I wasn't ready for the day when policemen showed up at my front door telling me my husband was dead. I would never be ready for that day. And no matter how much I tried to accept the lifestyle of the club, I could never get the past the girls and the boundary lines they always managed to cross. I wasn't ready to live my life according to SAMCRO's rules, but Jax was.

And I knew if I stayed, and let my personal dreams be crushed under the weight of Charming and SAMCRO, I would grow to resent him for not allowing me to follow my dreams.

I wanted to live out my dream here, and maybe if I hadn't left eleven years ago our lives would be different. Would Abel be alive? Would I have become a doctor? Would we have gotten married? Would Gemma not hate me? Would I resent the club as much as I do now? Would Jax have to do hard time in prison like Opie?

I remember his face when I told him I was leaving Charming, and him behind.

I could see his heart breaking all over his face. He was crushed, not able to understand why I couldn't stay. All he thought was that I didn't love him enough to stay.

When in reality, I loved him too much to stay and grow to resent him.

I needed to leave, to find out who I was without having Jax's SAMCRO connections. I needed to know if I really loved him. I needed to find out if I had the ability to become a doctor. And I couldn't figure all that out while being in Charming.

I tried so desperately to get him to leave with me, to leave the poison of Gemma and SAMCRO behind. He was smart enough to get into state schools, I even secretly applied for him. We were so close to leaving together, but the night I wanted to leave Clay called a full member church meeting. He was about to patch in a new prospect, tonight was another all-night party at the SAMCRO clubhouse. Jax's bags were packed, as were mine. The plan was to rent a small moving truck with our packed boxes. I drive the truck, he rides his bike behind me. We had a meeting with a landlord for an apartment in two days, and then school orientation. We had the rest of our lives planned. But, Charming ultimately won.

He told me this was his last church meeting. He was going to tell Clay tonight and we'd be on the road by 6 am tomorrow morning. He voted in the new prospect along with the rest of his brothers, then the girls and the booze piled in. He pulled Clay off to the side, to tell him he was leaving choosing a life of academics and being a law-abiding citizen. But, Clay had other plans for him.

"I know you're young, but I only have a few years left. Ten, maybe fifteen. I want you to be my VP, and take over when I can't ride anymore. This club has always been yours to take, and soon it will be. I love you, son."

And Jax was once again devoted to the club.

When he didn't come home right away, I called the clubhouse. When no one answered, I drove down there, already knew that when morning came I would be leaving Charming by myself.

I was foolish to think that I could actually get Jackson away from SAMCRO. So naïve of me.

I remember storming into the clubhouse, immediately seeing Clay pouring Jax a celebratory shot. He had no idea about our plans, Jax never told him. I saw Gemma behind the bar talking to one of the infamous croweaters. She had no idea either.

I stood by the door, arms crossed against my chest waiting for him to recognize my presence.

The look across his face was torment. He was tormented inside, trying to choose between the life path that was chosen for him before he was born of anarchy and illegal acts or the life path of taxes, 9-5 jobs & a family with me.

"Were you going to tell me?" I managed to speak as he walked closer to me, my voice already cracking.

He whisked me outside, underneath the stars. "I can't leave right now. They need me."

"I need you, Jax. But I guess you care about this club than me."

"That's not fair- this is all I've known. I'm trying to be a good enough guy for you, I'm trying my best."

He spoke again, "They need me."

I knew I wouldn't win.

I gently stroked his face, trying to memorize the way his hands felt in my hands. I looked into his eyes, trying to memorize how his eyes burned through my soul. I brushed my hand against his lips, trying to memorize how his lips kissed mine and how they felt as his lips traced my body. I stared at his boyish grin, trying to memorize how it made me weak in the knees. I was trying to memorize every feature he had, because I knew it might be the last time I would be able to call him mine.

"I love you, Jax. I always will." I confessed, starting to cry.

"I love you, too." He knew this was good-bye.

"I just can't come second anymore." He nodded, finally understanding my resentment of the club.

I walked forward, so our foreheads were touching. And feverishly pressed my lips into his, one last time. This kiss would have to last a lifetime.

"I will always love you. When I'm married with kids, when I'm 90 and dying, I will always love you. I will always be your Old Lady."

"I wish you didn't have to go."

"I'll come back to you one day," this was wishful thinking on my part. We both knew I probably wouldn't ever return. "I already miss you."

"I'll be right here, waiting." He said with his infamous smirk. We both knew he wouldn't wait for me. He would be face down in pussy in a few hours.

"Don't forget me, Teller."

"You know I couldn't do that, Tara." He said, tears forming in his eyes.

To this day, I've only seen him cry four times: once when Thomas died, once when JT died, when I left Charming and left him, and when he held Abel for the first time.

"And don't forgot who wears your crow." I kissed his cheek.

I was crying by then. I was leaving the love of my life behind. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I don't regret it however, I needed to get out and to become my own person. I still wish he could've left with me. I can't even count how many times I've dreamed of Jax and I married, with two kids, another on the way, posing for a Christmas card with our dog. All the times I've cried over the way our relationship ended.

All I wanted to do was hold on to his warm body forever. I didn't want to feel his arms no longer embrace me. I remember feeling my tears stain his shirt.

I remember him backing away from our hug first, knowing that I had no more courage and fight left in me. He knew at that moment that if I didn't let go, I would never leave. He was finally letting me go.

I was so thankful for that moment. He was so selfless then, choosing my happiness over his own, even though it wasn't with him.

Leaving Charming was the best and worst day of my life. I had never felt so liberated and lonely at the same time. For so long I dreamt of leaving and starting my life, and suddenly Jax was a part of that dream, and when that part of my dream didn't come true it ruined part of the liberation. I had never felt so alone in my life. In such short time, he had become my safe haven and my partner. I was alone in an unfamiliar city, with relatives I barely knew, going to school where no one knew my name, I needed his support more than ever.

As much as I wanted him to be there with me, that first year at San Diego made me so much stronger and independent. I didn't realize how much of a crutch Jax was for me until I had to be on my own. I wanted to believe that he was proud of me, for accomplishing part of my dreams, but I knew the reality was much different.

I kept thinking that one day he would ride up and try to convince me to come home. Every time the door bell rang, I was secretly hoping it was him coming to whisk me away back into his loving arms. I would flee back into his arms in a heartbeat, if only I had the chance.

I thought I would move on and let go of Jax Teller away at college, but the absence only made my love for him grow fonder. Maybe it was the loneliness or the time alone that made me appreciate our relationship. I knew that if I heard his voice over the phone I would be on the first bus back to Charming, and that would ruin the whole point of me leaving. I left him and Charming, and I had to make good on my promises. But, I missed him and I missed his love. So I began to write.

At first, I had no intention of mailing them. It was a way for me to express my feelings, for me to really understand what I felt and what I wanted. I remember feeling confused in the beginning of my years in San Diego; I was lost and heartbroken. Studying helped, but at nights I could still remember the way he would cradle my body against his as we fell asleep together. I would start to cry as I came to remember his scent and mostly successful horny tricks.

I eventually decided to mail the letters, so he could finally realize why I left, how I felt about his family and mine, and for him to comprehend how much I actually loved him.

I wrote the first letter to Jax a week after I left, but mailed it three months afterward.

 _My Jax,_

 _I know that it's over between us now._

 _My mind understands why, but I can't get my heart to agree. The logical reasons are there, but the heart wants what it wants._

 _My bed feels so empty without you in it. I should really try to get used to that feeling – of you not loving me anymore. I promise I'll try my best._

 _When you think of Pearl Jam, I hope you think of my favorite song, the one we danced to all night long_

 _When you think of happiness, I hope you think of me wanting your crow tattooed on my skin._

 _When you think of happiness, I hope you think of my head on your chest and me wearing your old SAMCRO t-shirts._

 _Someday, you'll turn your radio on and it will take you to that place of you and me._

 _Jackson, when you think of happiness, I hope you think of me._

 _Please forgive me._

 _Always yours,_

 _Tara_

Saying I love you would've been too personal. I remember crying while writing that first letter. My heart was in shambles. By the end of the letter, I was ready to go home to Charming, where I belonged, with Jax. I just wanted him to be happy.

If I had known that Gemma confiscated all of the letters, I probably would've stopped writing. They soothed my soul, and helped cure me of heartache and pain. I was writing down the feelings I didn't have the ability to say. I didn't want him to think me leaving meant I didn't love him.

And to this day I don't think Gemma has given them to him, but one day he will read them. And on that day, he will finally realize how my capacity of loving him was infinite.

I still have a box of the unsent letters in my closet. Some of those were too personal, they included all the pain I felt over my dad, the physical and emotional abuse that I endured from Kohn, how I almost failed my first college class.

His words brought me out of my daydreams and back into reality, "I'm gonna go. Goodnight, Tara."

He kissed my cheek, and then he was gone.

But if I knew anything at all about Jackson Teller, if he really loved me, he would come back, eventually.

He left me with so many questions: what does our future hold? Does he still love me? Do I love him? _Duh._ Did he ever forgive me for leaving? Did he see a future with me? How long did he want to stay in the club?

I was heartbroken over the way Charming had changed and yet remained the same over these eleven years. Jax had gotten married, and had a child. I always dreamed he would, with me.

I was crying now. I imagined our wedding days for months, once I got his crow I knew he envisioned a future together. Did we even have a future now?

I was so lost, that I began to imagine my own….


	2. Chapter 2, Graduation

**_Thanks for the great feedback! You all inspired me so much, that I wrote the second chapter yesterday! Enjoy!_**

* * *

 _My Dearest Jax,_

 _It's very frightening to think that in one second you can fall in the kind of love that takes a lifetime to get over._

 _I'm trying. It's been two months, and I'm still trying._

 _It's easier with school- it keeps my mind focused. It's harder than I thought it would be, but it's nothing I can't handle. I just want you to be proud of me, Jax._

 _Sometimes, the pain isn't so bad. Sometimes it's bearable. I just want you to know Jackson, leaving you and our future behind, was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It wasn't easy for me._

 _Leaving you was hard, but loving you was the easiest thing I've ever done._

 _Always yours,_

 _Tara_

Coming home from a 14 hour shift at the hospital, I was exhausted. I showered and then started to organize my closet since I had yet to do that since the move back home. And that's when I came across the box of unsent letters to Jax.

That was the second letter I wrote, two months since I left Charming.

I ran my hand over the paper, tears stained the black ink. I remember writing that letter two months after leaving Charming. My freshman classes at UCSD were in full swing, and every time I walked to class I imagined Jax walking with me, holding my hand. But I always knew, as I was walking to class, Jax was walking into a gunfight.

We came from two different worlds. And how I wished that for once, our worlds didn't have to be so different.

* * *

"Hey babe, what dress do you think looks better with the gown?" I walked out of his bathroom and made my way into his room at the clubhouse. "The white one or the red one?"

He was nose deep in Jack Kerouac, too interested to look up. My heart almost leaped out of its chest when I saw the paradox of Jax Teller. To everyone else he would always be this careful, fearless biker, but not to me. To me, he was my boyfriend, my first love, he wasn't a killer or a thug, he was the guy who secretly stole my books after I finished reading them and held the door open for me everywhere we went and a boy who never let me go to bed angry, and a boy who always makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the world.

"Jax? Hello? I need your help." I called again.

"Oh what babe?" He said, annoyed I was taking him away from his travels with Kerouac.

"Which would look better with my gown? White or red?"

"You'd look even better without any of them." He gave me his infamous smirk that instantly made me crave his touch.

"I know what you want, but I can't show up to graduation naked."

"Oh, please do. Make every man jealous." He put the book down.

"So you'd be okay with every guy there looking at my boobs and my ass? If you're cool with it.." I said, knowing how protective he is.

"Better yet, you should wear a turtleneck. Might be cold." I love him.

"Jax, it's the middle of summer in California, it doesn't get cold. White or red?"

"You look great in both of them." Always playing it safe.

"Okay, which one would you rather tear off of me after I make my speech while we hook up in the school bathroom?" I cocked my eyebrow, knowing this would work.

His head shot up. "Babe, seriously?" I nodded, licking my lips. "White. Definitely white."

I laughed at how quickly he could become so horny.

Graduation was in two days and I had to keep myself focused. Even though I wasn't going away for school, I still had to make sure my valedictorian speech was perfect. I worked for that moment since freshman year, it had to be perfect. Even though Dad wasn't coming, Jax would still be there to support me along with Gemma, Clay, Opie and Piney. I didn't need Dad, I had all the family I needed.

I was disappointed Jax wouldn't be graduating with me, he was so smart; if only he recognized his potential. The day he told me he was done with school almost turned into our biggest fights. I didn't understand why he couldn't stay another year and get his diploma, and he didn't see why he should stay. I then realized it wasn't place to make his decisions, he had to make his own decisions and live with the consequences. I couldn't control his decisions, all I could do was support him. Him saying he would get his GED helped the sting. When I realized Opie was dropping out too, it wasn't a surprise. Jax and Opie did everything together. It was Donna and I trying to save our boys against the whole MC world.

"You're gonna be there, right?"

"Be where?"

"On Saturday, my graduation?"

"Oh sorry babe, I got club stuff all day. Can't make it."

"Jackson Teller, how could you do this? Are you serious? You're seriously going to miss my graduation?" I screamed.

"Babe, I'm kidding. You know I wouldn't miss my old lady's speech for anything. You're gonna kill it." He kissed my cheek. "Clay gave Opie and I the whole day off to celebrate. Thought we'd go out to dinner, and hook up in a public bathroom for dessert."

"And there's the Jackson Teller I know." I rolled my eyes.

"Oh, I love when you say my name." He whispered into my ear and as he pulled my body onto his. And suddenly I no longer cared which dress looked better, all I could focus on was his erection pressing against my sex.

* * *

 _(reality)_

I would've given anything for graduation to pass that smoothly. The whole month of May Jax and I fought. We fought over everything, which restaurant to eat at, my graduation speech, him not graduating, him getting deeper in the club, and me wanting to go to school. It was a month from hell. The only time we got along was when he went on runs with the club, we'd have "I miss you" sex and then go back to fighting. That whole month I was wondering why we were even together, neither of us were happy. I remember we didn't say "I love you" that whole month, my graduation and valedictorian speech being the only exception.

If only Clay had actually given Jax that day off, maybe I would have sweeter memories of graduation day- the most significant day of my young life.

Jax took me out to dinner to celebrate to the most elegant restaurant in town. He whispered the sweetest things into my ear, "I'm so proud of you." and "You deserve every great thing you achieve." and "I'm so lucky to have you."

We were in the middle of eating when he got a buzz on his pager – the club. They needed him, and the club was more important. "Babe, we gotta go. I'm so sorry. I told them not to call me."

"You're serious? You're really doing this right now? You're really picking the club over me right now, at my graduation dinner? I can't believe you."

"I didn't want this to happen. I told them not to call me tonight. I know how much this means to you. This isn't my fault."

"No, it's never your fault. Take some damn responsibility, Jax. You constantly put the club before me, and silly me thought things would be different for one night. I can't even expect that. I guess things are never going to be different." I chugged champagne.

"Tara-"

"Let's go home. I'm so pissed at you I can't even look at you. If you expect me to put your club before myself, and my needs, you're fucking high."

"Tara, wait-"

"I'm dating you, not the club. And I know the club is important. And if I love you I have to love the club and all that bullshit, but damn it Jax, it's like you expect me to okay with the club ruining every important moment in my life. I'm so sick of this fucking club."

"You knew this was who I was when we first started dating. You knew I was going to prospect, and you knew the club was my life. Don't act like you didn't know this would happen. Don't be pissed at me because you can't handle the club."

"Yeah, you're right. I did know who you were when we started dating- an arrogant, selfish asshole who always puts himself first. You forget Jax, I wasn't raised in this club. Sorry I'm still getting used to you being shot at and disappearing all the time. Forgive me. Take me home, asshole." We stood up and walked away from the table.

I stole a flute of champagne from a random table. "Cheers to me graduating and being valedictorian and to my asshole of a boyfriend! Cheers!" I yelled before chugging the alcohol.

He rolled his eyes as the whole restaurant began to stare at us. As I stole another glass, he walked out of the building.

"You can send the bill to SAMCRO." I yelled, following Jax outside.

We rode on his motorcycle in silence. I didn't want to hold on to him, but knew I needed to live. I couldn't stand to be near him, curse his motorcycle.

He dropped me off at my house. I was walking to my door when he called out for me.

"Oh, here ya go. Happy graduation. Your asshole boyfriend bought you a gift." He threw to me a small velvet box.

"I'll call you when we're back from the run." And he was gone into the night.

Worst graduation ever.

I remember crying – not because of Jax, I knew we would make up, but because when I looked back on my high school graduation I wouldn't remember my speech, or getting my diploma, or hearing my biology teacher telling me I was destined for greatness, no. When looking back on my high school graduation, I would remember my fight with Jax, getting drunk in a restaurant and him throwing a present at me. There were no happy endings and congratulations that night- just tears and booze.

I also remember getting really drunk after I got home, courtesy of my dad being an alcoholic. I remember throwing the gift box across the room and hearing it bounce against the wall.

I remember calling Donna, knowing Opie was called too, and asked her to come over and drink with me. She threw her high heel at his face, leaving his face bloody. I remember being proud and jealous of her at the same time.

I vaguely remember us yelling about our boyfriends after we down multiple drinks and took multiple shots of my dad's Jack Daniels. I remember us blaring Pearl Jam, Guns N Roses and Journey and dancing in my living room for hours. I remember us calling the clubhouse and leaving rude voicemails for our boys while we were intoxicated. Even though we were more than furious at the boys and the club, I remember laughing my ass off with Donna. And even though we were way past drunk, I clearly remembering teller her about the fight and gift box.

"I got inside and threw it against the wall. I haven't opened it."

"What if it's a ring?"

"You mean an eng-, an engag-, a wedding ring?" I stuttered.

"Yeah, that boy loooooooooves you. I bet it's a ring." She clearly wanted a ring from Opie.

"No it's not!" I took another shot.

"I'm gonna look and see if it's a ring."

"Promise not to tell me."

"Only if it's a ring!"

I remember it took her ten minutes of drunkly crawling on my living room floor trying to find the box. And I remember that she started to cry as she opened the box.

And then she tried to stand up and somehow hit her head- that was the end of our night. We called Gemma to take us to St. Thomas. And somehow during the night the boys showed up with confused, comical and insincere faces. They loved seeing us drunk.

The night at the hospital was blurry, and I don't remember much. But I remember the next day- somehow I had gotten home and in bed (probably Jax being overbearing, even during a fight) and into a tshirt (it was SAMCRO, so obviously Jax helped me home) and had a glass of water and Advil on my nightstand. Jax wasn't there, that I remember, probably giving me space.

And sitting next to the Advil and water, was the gift box.

I remember feeling heartbroken that Jax had to find his gift to me thrown on the floor, unopened. On the other hand, did he expect me to open it and suddenly come fleeing back into his arms as if our fight never happened?

I remember trying to avoid the gift- but it was taunting me.

I remember opening it and instantly starting to cry. He had given me a silver ring that intertwined. On the inside was an engraved message that read,

 _Destined For Greatness_

and the date of graduation _6/10/1997._

Him believing that I had greatness in me was all that I needed. When I didn't believe in me, I knew that he did. I know when I began to doubt myself, he didn't- he knew what I was capable of.

I remember wanting to drive over to the clubhouse and cry and beg him to forgive me and to thank him for such a thoughtful gift. But that wouldn't solve any of our problems. If he wanted to make things right, he would come to me.

I remember setting the ring back into the box and starting my day.

The letter brought me back to that awful night. That was the night I decided I was officially leaving. I knew Jax would never put me before the club and I knew nothing was going to change. I remember thinking that if Jax doesn't come with me that I was going to leave without him and be fine; that it was time to think for myself, to put myself first.

Jax and I are barely speaking, Josh Kohn had mysteriously followed me back home, the shifts at St. Thomas were excruciating, Gemma inhabited me from the club and I had no friends. _Why did I come home? I'm so depressed here. Nothing is the same, there is no happiness left here._

I poured myself a glass of wine and started the bath. _Maybe a relaxing hot bath would cure me of my nightly depressing thoughts._

I was relaxing in the tub when someone knocked door. "Ugh damn you." I cursed to myself.

Answering the door in my robe, "Is that how you always answer the door?"

"Do I know you?"

"No, but I know you. I need you to come with us."

"You expect me to come with you in the middle of the night, even though I don't know you? Bull shit. Good night." I tried to close the door, but his foot stopped me.

"Jax is hurt- real bad. He said Tara would help. You're Tara, right?"

"How do you know my name?"

"Oh, honey, you're famous. Jax's Old Lady who left and stole his heart. We all know about you. You became a doctor right?"

"I'm a doctor, yes. What happened to Jax?"

"Put some clothes on and come with us."

 _He talks about me? Are these some of his new brothers? What does he say about me? Or is it Gemma spreading lies about me? Does he still love me? Why am I famous? It was a high school fling! …that I never got over. Damn it, I need answers! Would he be happy to see me? Of course, he requested to see me. What will Gemma say when she sees me in her clubhouse patching up her son? Oh Lord, help me._

Suddenly, within minutes of putting clothes on and grabbing my home medical kit, I was put into the back of a black van, making my way back to my old safe haven. A place I promised I wouldn't go back into.

And just like that, I was thrown back into the club and into Jax's life.


	3. The Scotsman and the Doctor

**_Thank you all for the great feedback! I'm glad you're loving this story as much as I am!_**

 ** _I loved writing sassy Tara. And I loved writing this scene between the Scotsman & the Doctor. _**

**_Let me know what you think._**

* * *

"No one tell her what happened, she doesn't need to know. Understood?" He demanded of his brothers.

"I don't need to know what? C'mon Teller, you can tell me." I said, bursting through the church doors.

I hadn't been in this room in years, bad and good memories.

* * *

"Jax, stop! We can't do this here."

"I'm a member of this club, and I say we can. Now drop those pants." He whispered, kissing my neck.

"Someone is going to see us!"

"If any of those guys sees you, I'll kill them myself."

I couldn't tell if he was joking or serious.

"Are you really going to make have an orgasm on the reaper?" I said, referring to the center of the chapel's table.

"And on the floor, and against the door and maybe in my seat." He moaned out. This man was way too horny.

And a few seconds later Jax had my jeans unbuttoned and my bra unhooked, and I had no more energy to protest. My mind was saying "No, this is wrong. Stop! You shouldn't be in here." But oh, it felt so good!

* * *

I had only been in this room three times before: once when JT died, during a lockdown, and to sneak away and have sex in (one of Jax's dreams, of course). And it still have me goosebumps. _I can't believe I'm back._

"Jax, isn't it funny how the last time we were in this room together, you were making me orgasm? Ironic, isn't it?" I teased at Jax, making him uncomfortable while making his brothers curious.

His jaw dropped at my new found openness of my sex life. _A lot has changed in eleven years, Jax. Get used to it._ At least he was conscious- barely.

"I'm Tara, Tara Knowles. But it seems like you already know who I am." I said to the unfamiliar faces in the room.

"Oh whenever we get Jackie Boy here wasted, he doesn't shut up about you." A strange man with a scar across his face said, while holding a bottle of Jack. _Typical Son._

"Sounds like someone has a little crush." I said, making the boys laugh.

"I'm Chibs, patched in right after ya left my boy."

"Tig, we met back in the van."

"Ah, yes… You're the one who kidnapped me."

"And proud of it." He smiled, creepily.

I turned to Bobby, "Hi Bobby! I missed you!" I forgot how good of a hugger he was.

"How ya doing, Doc?"

"I was in the middle of a bubble bath and red wine when the creepy one knocked on my door. I've been better."

"Well we're glad you're here."

"Is anyone going to tell me why I'm here?"

The Scottish one spoke up, "Gun shot wound to the stomach, lad."

I wanted to cry. I knew this would happen to Jax eventually, whether I stayed or I left. But to be the doctor to stitch him up? I couldn't handle that. I'm not a trauma surgeon, what if I can't save him? Then I've killed my only love? _Act natural Knowles, they all think you know what you're doing. So act like it._

"Anyone here going to tell me what happened to my Jax?" I asked around the room.

"Can't do that." The creepy one responded.

"Let me guess, 'club stuff'?" I asked.

"You're a quick learner, Doc."

"This isn't my first time saving a Son." I responded.

The room got quiet.

"Who's been taking care of him?" I asked the room.

"I." The Scottish one spoke.

"You're a doctor?" I was surprised.

"Medic training- 6 months."

"Uh huh, and what did you give him so far?"

"A bottle of Jack and some Vicadin. Couldn't find the bullet."

"Is he buzzed or he is too far gone?" Too much alcohol wouldn't be good, it thins the blood. This GSW was going to be harder than I thought.

"He's one shot away from passing out, lad."

"Since you're the one with medic training, you're gonna stay with me. Got that? Everyone else out. Bobby, I'm gonna need another bottle of Jack, top shelf shit. Don't cheap me out, I'm saving your VP's life. You owe me. And some towels, and some clean trays. And tell Gemma I said hello." I demanded.

"Not even back an hour and she's already acting like an Old Lady. Missed you too, Tara."

I laughed. I missed Bobby, he was my favorite of the group, the level-headed one. In a strange way, it felt good to be back. It came natural, my responses, the jokes, the drinking, Jax. It was all second nature.

It took me a second to roll up my sleeves, but within moments I wasn't Tara, operating on her gang-banger high school sweetheart in a motorcycle clubhouse, I was a surgeon operating on a patient. My mind instantly switched to medical mode.

Thirty minutes into my Jackson's surgery, all was going well. He remained stable and conscious- I felt so bad for him. Being awake during an exploratory surgery and with the pain of a gunshot wound- no amount of alcohol could help that. But Jax was tough, I knew he wouldn't complain.

The Irishmen spoke first, "You sure he can't hear us?"

"He can hear us, but he won't remember it in the morning." I paused, "Ten-blade, please."

"So, Doc, tell me the story."

I glared at him.

"The story of you and Jackie Boy. He only talks about you when he's drunk, and well Gemma, shite, she really hates you darlin'."

"Well, Gemma could never accept that Jax loved me. Thought I was too innocent for him. From what I hear about Wendy, that's Gemma's ideal daughter-in-law."

"Wendy is… Wendy."

"I spoke up against Gemma, didn't always agree with her. Thought I was trying to take Jax away from the club- which I almost did."

He seemed shocked that at one point his fearless Vice President once wanted to leave SAMCRO.

"Things were different back then. We were young, he was young. We thought our love would defy SAMCRO and Gemma. He wanted different things for his family, for his sons. Didn't want his kids asking why daddy was going to jail. He wanted to make real money. But, people change."

* * *

(12 years ago, junior year)

"Hey, Jax. You ever think about us, somewhere else as different people?"

He was confused. "You never think of us leaving Charming together, and starting over?" I tried to explain.

"I don't need to. I got all I need right here."

"You don't ever want to leave? You don't want to explore and become someone else? Think about it Jax: no one would no your name, of Thomas and JT, of the arrests, of the gun fights. You could get a clean slate."

"That sounds nice Tara, but people like me don't deserve clean slates. We just get revenge."

He already sounded like a gang-banger. How did the boy I fell in love with change so quickly? What happened to my Jax? And where did he go?

* * *

"Is that why you left? He changed?"

"I left because I wasn't okay coming second to this club, and he didn't understand. He would never be ready to cut ties with the club. We were ready to leave Charming, and that night Clay asked him to be his VP. So I left, without him."

"His life was a shite-storm after you left, hun."

"From what I've heard, Jax here has gotten along just fine."

"That doesn't mean he was happy. He was never happy with Wendy."

"People keep telling me that, but he wouldn't have married her if he didn't feel something."

"She was never his Old Lady."

"She could've been. I never held the position."

"It's not a position or title, darlin'. It's a person, it's more than just a wife or a lover. It's a shared bond. Wendy was nothing more to him than a wife to cook dinner and clean, you gotta know that girl."

"Did he love her?"

"Not the way he did with you.."

"You've never met me. What makes you think our love was different?"

"You came in the middle of the night with ugly men to come save him, even though you haven't seen I'm in 11 years. That means something, lad."

"I'm a doctor, I took an oath." _Liar._

"Darlin', you're wearing his crow." _How had he already noticed?_ I pulled my shirt down to cover the tattoo back up.

"That doesn't prove your point. I was a teenager. I'm pretty sure we were either drunk or high."

"You're wearing his crow darlin'. No man asks unless he's sure of a future. He never asked Wendy, because someone else held his future." _Do NOT cry, Tara. You're a big girl. He may be saying everything that Jax can't, but that doesn't mean it's true. Breathe._

"Is that what he says when he's drunk?"

"Among other things. After a while it's all drunk talk."

"He was always a fun and horny drunk. I guess some things never change."

"Jackie Boy is like my son, no pun intended. I'm the guy that always has his back. I may have never met you, but the way my boy talks about you, he loves ya."

"I appreciate it, Scotsman. But it doesn't mean shit if he can't say it."

"Give him some time. He's a fearless VP, but he's cautious with his heart. Seeing you again broke his heart. He wants to be pissed at you, but he knows that you were right to leave. Give his heart some time."

"What makes you think I want to get back together?" I raised my eyebrows.

"Well, why the hell else would you come back to this hellhole?"

I smiled. "I now understand why you're Jax's favorite. Chibs, right? I'm glad he has you to watch out for him. Makes me feel better."

"See, I told ya the love was still there."

We laughed. Then he spoke, "I'm talkin' like a girl. I need a drink. Pass me the Jack, Doc." And so I did.

 _Would I be the one patching him up if I had stayed? Or I would be the doting housewife that Bobby had to come tell that her husband had been shot? Would Jackson's life be in the hands of Chibs if I hadn't left? Did Jax really still love me?_

 _Too many 'What if's'…_

"I found the bullet. Belongs to an AR-15. That's some serious shit. I thought you had his back out there, Chibs?"

"You know guns? I'm impressed."

"We were together for three years. The first thing he did was teach me to shoot."

"That's the Jackie Boy I know."

"Take better care of him out there." I glared at him.

We were silent again, not much else to say. He had said his peace and I had said mine. It's nice to know that his brothers think that he still loves me, but all that advice doesn't mean it's true and it's doesn't mean shit unless he says it. Until then, nothing changes. Life goes on. This is me just doing my doctorly duties, I took an oath.

"The guys can come back in now. Just a few more repairs, I'll sew him up and then I'll be gone." I reported to Chibs.

"He'll live?"

"Can't run or go into gunfights for at least a month. Let him watch the garage and hang with Piney. I wouldn't suggest riding either, but I know he won't listen to that."

"He's a stubborn one. I'll make sure the guys know. Thanks, Doc. We all appreciate ya. So does he." He nodded towards Jax.

"No alcohol and no smoking for at least two months. The alcohol can cause this gash to start bleeding again. And well, he's just an idiot for smoking."

"Damn, Doc, is there anything he can do?"

"Be a mechanic like his resume says, or be a father to his son. Those are first things I can think of." When did I become so sassy?

I had moved from standing next to Jax, to straddling myself on top of him to close the skin perfectly. It wasn't my ideal surgical position, but it was best I could think of without the proper equipment. I was too short and the table was too tall. And I know sober Jax would love this too. I was relatively done with the surgery. Put some stitches in, prescribe him some pain mess and tell his diagnosis to the guys, and I was done. I was so close to getting out of the club without interaction with Gemma.

If only…

"You haven't seen each other in 11 years, he's married to someone else and you still can't keep your hands off of him. When did you start fucking unconscious guys, Tara? They teach you that in med school?" Gemma blared into the room.

"Jesus Christ, Gemma. The girl is saving your boy's life and you can't be grateful. Shite, Gemma." The Irishman was pissed.

"Hello to you too, Gemma. I've missed you. I can see you haven't changed at all. First of all, he's divorced. Also, Did you know that every doctor in a hospital is required by law to report a gun shot wound to the police? That means an investigation, police sniffing around here, probably ATF sooner or later, money on lawyers and doctors fees, and months of physical therapy. If that sounds like fun to you I can stop right now and drop him off at St. Thomas?"

Gemma was quiet for once. "Or you can decide to not be a bitch for once and instead be grateful and shut the hell up and let me finish saving your son's life, for free. Which ever you prefer, let me know before I get an orgasm over here."

"Hurry up, bitch." And then she walked out.

 _Did I really just defeat Gemma Teller in an argument? Did she walk away? Did I really just beat her? All of those years of abuse and rude comments; tonight makes it all worth it. Knowledge really is power. And sitting atop of Jax doesn't hurt either. I knew he would be proud of me in that argument._

"Tara Knowles! Look at you! Who knew you had it in ya! Jackie Boy would be so proud. I know I am. She's not gonna stop talking about that for weeks. I know I won't."

I shrugged. "She needed to be put in her place."

"I get it now." He paused, to see if I caught on, which I didn't. "Why your Jax's Old Lady. You're tough, just like his ma."

"I haven't been his Old Lady since I was 19, Chibs. I may still have his crow on my body, but we're different people now."

"That's true darlin', but feelings don't change."

I didn't respond, letting the truth of his systems sink in. I had so much to think about after I left this booze filled hell hole. Chibs was wiser than he let on. He was quickly becoming my favorite too.

"Now if ya don't mind, I'm gonna go tell my brothers how you just beat Queen Gemma!" He was laughing so hard.

"You're free to go. You did good, for six months of medic training. Tell Clay that if he has a club lawyer, he should get a club doctor."

And he kept on laughing.

After Chibs left the room, I silently said my prayers, thanking God that Jax's gun-shot wound wasn't severe and that he would live. If only I knew this would be the last time… I shuttered at the thought. The idea of losing Jax once was enough, but losing him permanently? I couldn't handle a world without him in it. As much I despised being dragged in the middle of the night to see him up, I would do it over and over again if it meant that he lived another day.

I had so much I wanted to say to him. He would always be _my_ Jax, and it would _always_ crush my heart seeing him like this. He deserved so much more than this. He was better than this, I knew he could be better than this. If the bullet had hit a few inches higher, it could've killed him.

"You need to take better care of yourself, Jax. You have a son now, be better for him." I said, knowing that he wouldn't remember my remarks in the mornings.

"And screw you for making your creepy brothers kidnap me in the middle of the night to save your life. I'm so mad at you for almost dying. How dare you?"

I took a minute to breathe. "You're supposed to be the smart one, start acting like it." I kissed his cheek and then left SAMRCO's sacred room. Even after getting shot, he still looked like the Jackson I had always known and loved.

I closed the door, and all heads turned to me waiting to hear the word on their prince.

"He'll live. If the bullet was a few inches higher, it would've killed him. He believes he's indestructible, and he's not. Humble him, please. No running or exercise for at least two months, and that needs to be strictly enforced; exercise and running could damage the stitches. He'll need to come back to and have me take the stitches out in a few months. Like I told Chibs, no alcohol and no smoking until the stitches come out. They only make it worse. And the smoking is just common sense. I advise him to stay back at the garage with Piney and Gemma, let himself heal. He may not be so lucky next time." I took a pause, letting my words sink in with his brothers, "I only advise against riding, but I know he will never listen to that. Give him the easy work, Clay. He's gonna be out of commission for a while. He's gonna act like he's fine, but he's not." I glared at each and every one of them. Acting careless and letting him go on runs and into battles would just end up hurting him more. "I'm very serious about this. He needs to know that he is not indestructible."

"I also need some help carrying him back to his room. He needs to sleep. I'm going to prescribe him so pain killers, and Gemma it would be best if you reminded him when to take it. He listens to you best." And with that, I walked back into the chapel and waited for his brothers to enter the room.


	4. Chapter 4, The Daydream

_(daydream)_

"Family is so important, and you must never forget that it must come first. Family first, Abel. And family does not always mean those that are blood related. Did you know that Daddy and Uncle Opie aren't related?"

"Then why do we call him Uncle Opie?"

"Because he has been your daddy's best friend since they were your age, Abel. And mommy became friends with him in high school. So we love and treat him like family. Sometimes people become so important to you that they become family. Daddy became so important to me that I wanted him to be family, so we got married. And then we made our own family, you and Thomas."

"So you're saying that I get to pick my own family one day?"

"Yeah, you kinda do. All of daddy's brothers that you know as Uncle's aren't actually his brothers, but he loves them like so. And while those people are important, your real family like mommy, daddy, and Thomas are just as important. You can't forget about us when you're big and strong and have your own family. Okay?"

"Okay mommy, but why are you telling me this?"

"I'm telling you this because it's important you remember that no matter what happens, mommy and daddy will always love you and always be there for you. And so will your friends. And no matter what happens to mommy or daddy, we want you to remember that the bond of family is forever."

How do I tell an eight-year-old about a gun-running motorcycle club that runs on brotherhood and anarchy? How do I explain to my son that his father has brothers that aren't real? How do I get his tiny brain wrapped around the fact that these Uncle's of his may turn out to hurt his father one day? Abel had become so curious lately about babies, SAMCRO, how Jax and I met, why Jax's brothers don't all look alike, and why Uncle Opie and Uncle Chibs have to watch the house for a few months. _How did my life become so disastrous in such a short time?_

Just four months ago, Jax and I were such a happy and blessed couple. We had Abel who was a thriving boy that loves motorcycles (which scared me) and with Thomas who had just turned four and was learning how to read and getting ready to start school. He and I had just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary and our 13th anniversary of being together. All of those people in high school thought we would never end up together, that we wouldn't last more than a week, and here we are 13 years later, married for 10, with two kids. I couldn't have asked for more out of my life.

Jax was an amazing father, which was an unbelievable thought to so many. He catered to my every need and want during both pregnancies, was present at every single check up and held my hand during both deliveries. He tucked Abel and Thomas into bed almost every night, and when he couldn't he would say goodnight to them over the phone and check in on them when he got home. He was up with them every morning (not including middle of the night feedings, of course) preparing them breakfast, reading to them. Every morning and every night he expressed how much he loved both of them and how much of a blessing they were.

My heart would burst with joy just looking upon how he interacts with them. Seeing Jax with our boys, seeing how much he really does love them, just proves that I was right about him all those years ago, that he was worth the sacrifice, that our boys were worth the sacrifice.

And now, our family was being torn apart. Our dream, our blessings, our miracles were going to have to live without their father because of the stupid San Joaquin Sheriff's Dept. Yes, Jax is at fault and he committed the grand theft auto but damn, 2 years for stealing a car and fake license plates? Of all the things to be convicted of, the court was going to convict of him stealing a car? Oh if only they knew the things that I knew..

"So, because I love your Uncle so much, he's going to stay here while Daddy's away, okay? It's going to be so much fun. And every Sunday, we'll go visit daddy! You can write him letters, draw him pictures, and we can send them to him and he'll write back. Does that sound fun?" How do you make prison fun?

"I don't want to write him, I want him here with me! This isn't fair."

"I know you'll miss him honey, but daddy has to go. He made a mistake and he has to pay the consequence, but that doesn't mean he's never coming home." _Jax, please come home. I'm begging you._

"You promise, Mommy?"

"Daddy is going to come home, I promise, baby. Now go get your brother and let's go over to Grandma's."

* * *

How do I tell Jax that one of my biggest fear has come true?

I'm so scared for him. Sure, he's done time in smaller prisons for a shorter amount of time. His longest so far has only been six months, that's a cakewalk compared to his new 2-year sentence in a federal prison. And all of those times he had brothers inside with him, the only person he has inside with him is a Juice, and Juice being the only person to protect Jax on the inside didn't exactly make me feel safe. Juice could barely protect himself. What if Jax gets hurt trying to protect Juice? He needs Chibs or Opie or Clay on the inside with him, someone I trust to protect him.

His last day in court was today. I had been crying everyday for a week now. I have to live without my husband for two years. How do we come through this? How do we keep our marriage alive?

I hadn't realized that I had started to shake.

"It's gonna be alright, baby. He's gonna be fine." Gemma said, trying to console me. I'm so thankful for her, for our relationship. I wouldn't have made it through the court proceedings without her. And I probably won't make it through the next years without her either.

"I just have so many questions. And I'm so scared for him. And I'm scared for our boys. And I'm scared for our relationship."

"You sayin' you don't think you'll stay together?" She always took the defensive side without an explanation.

"Gemma, don't be stupid. I just don't know how to keep our marriage alive for two years while he's locked up. And how do we go back to normal once he's out? What if our love fades while he's in there? What if we fall out of love? Oh Gemma.." I started sobbing into her chest. Today would be the last time I see Jax for two weeks, before his visitation rights begin.

"Oh baby. There are only two things that the men think about when they're inside: jerking off and what they're going to do once they're outside." She took a second and then begun again, "All my son is going to be thinking about while locked is the new memories he's going to make with his boys once he's out. Trust me, that boy is going to come more horny than ever. My Jax loves you and your boys like crazy."

"What did you do while Clay and JT were locked up? They both did hard time. How did not lose your spark?" I barely said through the tears.

"Well, uh, the boys were just babies when JT starting serving his hard time so I didn't really have time to really work on our spark. But Jax was older when Clay served his hard time, so I saw him twice a week. We got time to talk, just us. And I wrote him about what I missed about him, and all that bullshit. It gets easier, baby. Cmon, let's go fix your makeup. Gotta look pretty for your man, it's gonna be a while before he sees you again." And she walked me into her bathroom, and then we left for the courthouse.

* * *

"All rise for Judge Matthews"

I had to hold on to Gemma for support, my knees were shaking.

"Case #00456 the county of San Joaquin against Jackson Teller. The plaintiff has offered the defendant a 2-year plea deal, and the defendant has accepted."

"Do you accept, Mr. Teller?" The judge asked him.

"I accept, your honor."

"Good man. Bailiff, please come take the defendant into custody. I am ordering this man 2 years into the Stockton prison on 2 accounts of grand theft auto and fake license and refrigeration. Case dismissed." And with his gavel hitting the podium shook my soul.

 _Good-bye Jax._

I was seated in the front row, and I instantly stood. I needed him to notice me, I needed one more look.

"Jax!"

And then he turned around. And his blue eyes burned right through my soul, with so many different matches: I'm sorry, forgive me, I love you, take care of our boys, I miss you, and I'm sorry. I could see it written all over his face.

"I love you, Tara."

I wanted to reach out to him and hold him. I was so scared for him and the next two years.

"I love you, too. Two weeks, baby!" I shouted back inside the courtroom.

And I collapsed into Gemma's arms.

* * *

I went to see Jax by myself after the first two weeks, I wasn't sure this was an environment for the boys. And, I missed him. I needed alone time. I needed him to reassure me that we were going to be fine, that we were going to come out stronger after the next two years.

I gave my name and license to the guard, still in disbelief that this had become my life. That I was actually visiting my husband in the Stockton prison.

A few minutes later, Jax appeared through the door and I strongly fought the urge to run and jump on him. I missed everything about him.

"Hey baby." This no touching rule was starting to piss me off.

"Hey hun'."

I reached for his hand, trying to find some comfort in this situation.

"How are you doing? Are you okay? How's Juice?"

"It's nothing I can't handle. Don't worry about me, babe. You have enough going on, you don't need to worry about me."

"I do worry about you. How could I not worry? I'm sick with worry."

"Tara, stop worrying about me. I'm fine, and in two years Im going to be even better."

"How are we going to get through this, Jax?"

"I don't know… we just are."

Then he spoke again, "You're going to take care of our boys, like the good mother you are. Chibs is staying with you, right? I asked him to stay with you and the boys while I'm in here."

"He moved into the guest room last week. It's nice having him with us. I wish it was you."

"I miss you too, babe."

"The boys don't understand, they're confused why Uncle Chibs is moving in. They think we're in love or something. I need you to come home to us, Jax. When this is all over, I need you to come home."

"That's exactly where I want to be."

I then got out some of the pictures from the boys that they drew in school. I gave him a picture of me to put in his cell, along with a picture of him and Opie, and one of him, JT and Gemma.

"I swear, Jax, if one of these ugly criminals gets to sleep with you before I do, I'm going to end up in here. No one touches you."

He laughed at me. I don't think he took my threat seriously. "If this place turns you gay, I'm going to physically hurt you Jax."

He continued to laugh. "That's the last thing you got to worry about, babe."

And then we talked for an hour, about the club, about Gemma, about the boys new schedule with school, my part-time work schedule, the money arrangement he made with the club while he was locked up, about our marriage, about each other. We hadn't talked this seriously in such a long time. Life always happened to get in the way, but now there was nothing to do but talk. We were communicating on a deeper level.

"The boys and I will be here on Sunday, every Sunday, okay babe?"

He nodded. He was nervous about seeing the disappointment in his sons' eyes.

"I'm going to make sure they remember their dad. You are still their father, even if you have to teach them from this table. They love you, and this prison sentence is not going to change that."

"You are so strong, stronger than I ever knew."

"Thank you, baby. But I don't want you worrying about us. You focus on keeping your head down and getting out. And we'll be right here, waiting for you, okay? Keep your head down."

"I love you so much, Tara."

"I love you too, Jax."

I stared at him, knowing our time was almost up. I didn't want to leave.

"We're going to get through this, right?"

"Time is going to fly by, babe."

"I'll see you on Sunday."

"Sunday." He whispered.

I cried the whole way home.

* * *

"Tara! Tara, wake up! Tara! You're late for rounds, let's go!"

"Oh, shit. Thanks." And just like that I went from dreaming about Jax as my husband, and his first long-term sentence to running in the pediatrics wing of St. Thomas. _What was happening to me?_

It seemed too real to be a dream? Is that what my life had been like if I had stayed in Charming? Would we have really celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary? Would Gemma and I really had remained such close friends? Would she actually learn to like me? Would our relationship still be that strong?

Could it ever be that strong? Did leaving Charming ruin any chance I had of a future with Jax?

I always knew he wanted children, but would he ever be that good with them? Did he want multiple? I knew he did in high school, but we both knew that was all pretend. He already had a child, did he even want more? Even worse, did he want to get back together with Wendy? Oh god, was coming back home a mistake?

I was in the middle of rounds when I heard my Chief Resident call my name from across the hall. "Dr. Knowles, a minute please."

 _Oh, shit. She knows I was late for rounds. Shit._

"I've heard from multiple people that you once had a close relationship with the Teller baby's father. Is that correct?"

"Uh, yes ma'am. We dated in high school. Working on his son's case here was the first I had seen him in a decade."

"So this past relationship won't be a problem?"

"No, of course not. We're friends."

"Good, the Teller baby has another surgery in two hours. I'm assigning you to it. You're going in solo. Do not make me regret this. Alert the family."

 _Shit._ If something goes wrong with this surgery, not only will Jax never forgive me, but Gemma will personally murder me. I so badly wanted to do my first solo surgery, but on Jackson's child? I don't want this. I shouldn't be doing this, but I'd be stupid to turn down my first solo. And j just said that our relationship wouldn't be a problem. But I'm more worried about Gemma.

 _Shit,_ I said as I called Jax. "Hey, Jax."

"Hey?" He sounded so confused as to why I was calling him.

"My chief just let me know that Abel is headed into another surgery. And I'm doing it solo. Figured you would want to know about the surgery. You and Gemma and whoever else should hurry down here before the surgery starts. I'll walk you through it."

"Thanks Doc, I'll be there."

I had just finished surgery on Jax and two days later I'm performing surgery on his recently born son. Shit. This reunion between SAMCRO and I was happening to frequent and too often now a days. I had seen any of them in 11 years, well almost all of them, and now all of a sudden I'm seeing them twice in one week. It feels like I'm back in high school again hanging out at SAMCRO after school with Jax. Oh how times have changed, yet remained the same.

Thirty minutes later, I was sitting in the cafeteria of St. Thomas, going over the procedure before the surgery started. It was partly a routine surgery, but it was trickier because of Abel's heart and stomach. The extensive surgery would require me to be more patient and to take more time with my actions and my stitches. I was making mental notes when I heard Gemma's loud voice throughout the hallways.

I saw the nurse point towards the cafeteria, signifying that I was in here.

 _Here we go._

"Doc." She snorted.

"Gemma." I hate this.

"Tara, hey, thanks for doing this. Happy that Abel's on your table." Jax nodded towards me.

"Thanks. It's a routine surgery, just going in to make sure there was no more damage done to his stomach. I'm going to make a few stitches on any leftover holes and then sew him back up. Normally this surgery wouldn't be so tricky, but with the heart defect and the stomach issue, I will have to be extra careful and take more time to make sure everything goes well. If all goes well, it should take a little more than an hour."

I tried explaining as slowly and as vague as possible. Parents never need to really know what goes on in operating rooms, and Gemma certainly did not need to know every move my right hand made. All she needed to know was that Abel was going in, and I was the surgeon.

"I'll take you in to see him now. Then, the nurses will start prepping him for surgery."

"Thanks, Doc." Jax said as we walked down the hallway. Instead of responding, I just nodded.

* * *

It was the next day.

Abel's surgery had gone remarkably well, and all of his organs were working correctly now. My Chief Resident complimented my work, which hopefully means more solo surgeries in the future. Gemma had spared my life because baby Teller lived, and Jax didn't hate. All was well.

That was until Jax invited me over to the clubhouse for a drink. I first turned it down, it would be too awkward. It was one thing to see Gemma on my playing field every so often, but to show up at her playing field? That was suicide.

But, Jax insisted that the club was having a party, and Gemma would be too busy with all the commotion to start a fight. "C'mon, let me say thank you for saving the kid's life, it's the least I can do. Op and Donna will be there, I know Don misses you."

"Okay, fine! One drink. But if your mom starts something, I'm leaving."

He held up his hands in defeat. That was a compromise we were both fine with.

So here I was, walking up the infamous SAMCRO driveway. I could hear the music and smell the smoke from three blocks away. I had no idea what the occasion was, hell SAMCRO didn't even need a reason to throw a party. The first thing I saw was leather, lots of leather. The bottom rocker of the men's kuttes led me to guessing that they were out-of-towners down to visit Clay, and there was a reason behind that. If other men from different charters, from different states, were down in Charming, that means serious business.

 _What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here anymore. Helping Jax live was a favor and my civic duty as a doctor. This is so fucking stupid of me to show up as a partygoer. I'm going home._

I turned around, heading back to the Cutlass.

"Not so fast, Doc." It was a familiar voice, calling for me. But, it wasn't Jax's.

I stopped. At least it wasn't Gemma. No, I remember this voice.

"Opie! Hi!" I walked up to one of my high school best friends and hugged him. It had been at least nine or ten years since we last spoke.

"Hey Tara."

"Jax invited me over for a drink, for saving Abel's life. I swear I'm not here to start anything."

"No I know, he's inside the clubhouse waiting for you."

I nodded my head. _What does Jax tell Opie about me? Does Jax know?_

"Did you ever tell him…?" I asked, looking around to make sure no one important was in ear shot.

"No, he has no idea. He'd probably kill me if he found out what I did."

I nodded, understanding that our secret had to remain a secret. "Well, I appreciate it. You didn't have to do that, but I'm glad you did. Probably saved my life, Op."

"I did not. It would've killed him to see you like that. I was just there to talk to you, I had no idea what I was walking in on. I actually never got to talk about what I wanted to talk to you about that day."

"No?" This was at least 10 years ago, what the hell did he want to say?

"It doesn't really matter now. I just trying to be a good wingman for my best pal. I had to make sure you were okay."

"No, I understand."

"He wanted to ride up and see you. Gemma and I convinced him not too." I perked my head up, suddenly more intrigued in the conversation. "I was gonna go with him. He just needed to know that you were safe, ya know? Shit, all three of us did. But at the last minute we convinced him to stay. That either two things were gonna happen: you didn't want to see him and he was going to come home crushed, or you were going to stay, and he would come crushed."

"If he had come up to see me, I would've left with him, Opie. I always had a bag packed, just in case." I confessed. Maybe Opie is the perfect middle man for Jax and I to start talking again.

"You really wanted to come home?" He sounded so surprised.

"I was miserable for my whole freshman and sophomore year. I had no friends, Jax and I had broken up for such a stupid reason. Given the chance, oh yeah I would've come back home. But, he never showed up. And I figured if I was going to come back to Charming at all, I had to do it right. I promised myself I wouldn't come back until I was a doctor."

"You didn't want to break his heart for no reason, I get it."

"Exactly." I paused, "Hopefully he will too. If I'm going to stay, I need alcohol. Show me the way, Opie."

* * *

He and I were sitting on the roof of SAMCRO's clubhouse. We needed to talk, and the party was no place to have an intelligent conversation.

I was three beers, and I had no idea when he started. I knew nothing good would come out of us talking, but anything was better than being surrounded by croweaters and fat drunk men.

"Seriously, I'm glad you're Abel's doctor."

"He's a good kid. I'm glad he's going to be okay."

"You're a good doctor, Tara. Always knew you had it in ya."

I laughed at myself, "At least someone did. Enough about me, tell me about you. Your life here, I missed out on so much."

He took another swig of his beer, unsure of what to say. I know these past years were hard on him, but there had to be good moments too.

"Uh, I got the VP patch a week after you left. Had a wild party."

"Oh, I'm sure. Congrats, by the way on becoming VP."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Jax, I may never love the club like you do, but it's what you always wanted. I'm glad you got what you wanted. Those boys need a good leader. At least it's not the creepy one."

"I never thought I'd hear those words from you."

"Neither did I. I'm buzzed, so that may have something to do with it."

He laughed, and I joined him. This was nice. No awkwardness, it almost felt like old times. _Almost._

"Are you going to tell me about your jail time?"

"What?"

"I've been gone 11 years, and you patched in as VP, I'm guessing you got arrested at least once. If not, you're a better outlaw than I thought."

He politely laughed, as if saying that I was right and wrong about him at the same time. "Twice. Six months and a year." I could tell this was making him uncomfortable, so I changed the subject.

"So, come on, what else happened? I was gone for so long, fill me in."

"Mom and Clay had their 10th anniversary, Donna and Opie had Kenny a few years after Ellie was born. They missed you at the wedding. Donna wanted you to be a bridesmaid."

"I know, I still feel bad. I didn't think any of you would want to see me again." I chugged the rest of my beer. Jax was right to not want to say anything, this was too hard. The pain of missing everything hurt too much.

"Bobby got married and then divorced. It lasted nine months. The divorce party was better than the wedding."

"And now you have a son. And here I thought nothing would change."

"Yeah, I do. It's been one hell of a ride." He finished his beer.

"He's a beautiful boy, Jax. I'm sure you'll make a great father."

"You think? I wasn't ready for a kid, still don't think I am."

"You're more prepared than you think. Give it time."

"I'm glad you're back." He said with his infamous smirk. That smirk always got me in trouble.

And maybe, _just maybe,_ Jax and I weren't a lost cause. He doesn't hate me, and maybe, _just maybe,_ he's forgiven me for leaving like I did. And maybe, _just maybe,_ there's still love for me underneath all of the rubble that SAMCRO and a broken heart caused. And finally, maybe coming back to Charming wasn't the biggest mistake of my life.


	5. The Modern Day Gemma Teller, Part 1

_**Sorry for the wait! Here is the long awaited next chapter of Tara's reality & fantasies... **_

* * *

_Chapter 5: The Modern Day Gemma Teller, Part 1_

Have I lost myself? Will I have to lose myself in order to become Jax Teller's Old Lady, or have I already lost myself? Or is there hope for me?

Our love in high school was so addicting and the "We have to be together or I'm gonna go crazy" type of shit. I had consumed myself, changing everything I was, without even noticing. I acted tougher, because I had to be; I beat up girls if they looked at Jax sexually. I became possessive of him, I saw every girl as a threat, even though I already had Jax. I wanted every girl to know that I was on his arm. And if they gave me a dirty look, I gave them one right back and shoved my relationship down their throats with massive amounts of PDA that make me so uncomfortable today.

 _I think I knew that if I didn't show my relationship off, that others would try to meddle in. I wasn't a tough girl by nature, I had to try so hardly to be the tough girl that Jax needed in his life. I also had so many fears in my head, showing our relationship off was me no long hiding behind them. And, Jax never minded a make-out session at school, pinning me against a wall of lockers in front all of Charming High. I knew two things were going to happen after senior year, I was going to leave him, or I was going to stay. I think I always knew that I would leave, and showing massive amounts of PDA to the public was a way of me branding him, making sure people remember me. I was so insecure back then, about me, about my relationship with Jackson, about my body. I was so insecure, and Jax was the only one that calmed those feelings, and he never even knew._

I became a total bitch. The club life of needing to be domineering and possessive and bitchy had overcome me. I was becoming an Old Lady, I was already in training to become the new Queen of SAMCRO, and of Charming.

I hadn't even noticed how bitchy I had become until Jax and I were out for dinner one night all those years ago and I yelled at our waitress for not only staring at Jax with googly-eyes and for messing up my order- probably on purpose.

" _Do you mind not staring at my boyfriend? He's clearly not into you." I glared at her from my seat at the table._

" _Uh no I wasn't…"_

" _Yes you were. It was obvious. Don't lie honey, it's not doing you any favors. Just stop doing it. I ordered a Diet Coke, and don't even think about spitting in my drink. And when you come back, you better not even look at him, he's not yours to look at." She ran off after that. I smiled at myself._

 _I then glared at him, he was enjoying this showdown, acting innocent. "I wouldn't have to yell at innocent waitresses if you didn't flirt with them."_

" _I wasn't flirting." He again looked so innocent, wearing that infamous smirk._

" _You're such a liar. And I'm such a bitch. You're lucky she didn't hit on you."_

" _I love you." He offered as an apology._

" _You should."_

And I wasn't even counting all the fights I had been due to clueless girls thinking they could flirt and put their hands on my Jackson. It was probably once a month that I made some girl have a nose bleed. I got high off of the adrenaline rush and Jax always a twinkle in his eye when he saw his girl throw a nasty right hook, he almost always looked a little proud.

I hated who I had become.  
Where was Tara?

I remember thinking, "Is this how Jax expects me to act? Is this how I need to act in order to fit into the club?"

Sometimes, being a bitch has its perks: beating Gemma Teller in a showdown over Jax, getting the best surgeries while working at the hospital, knowing no one will mess with me. But, damn, it gets lonely.

Jackson and I were on good terms, good terms as in speaking casually to each other in the hospital about Abel. Going over to the clubhouse actually helped repair our relationship; the wounds of our past relationship 11 years ago were still there, I knew they always would be, but that casual talk helped ease the pain, at least it did for me. I could still see the pain I caused him, it was written all over his past non-relationships, his inability to actually commit to a woman, and it broke my heart to see that I damaged him, that I caused him such wreckage. _Was there anything worth repairing?_ There wasn't as much awkwardness. It was a good first step.

Jax and I always had the ability to talk about anything, and it was all confidential. That feeling of open trust still existed between us, and I am so thankful for that. And while the conversation at the club wasn't much, it was a start.

If coming home back to Charming ever leads back to a relationship with Jax, I can't lose myself. I have to stand my ground, face my demons and his head on. I will not become the girl who is okay with 'on a run' hookups with croweaters, I will not become the girl who has three decades worth of secrets that could tear down an empire, I will not become the girl who threatens my children and their spouse into doing what I want them to do. I will not turn into Gemma Teller, I am Tara Knowles. Never will I become her.

If anything were to happen between Jackson and I, I wasn't going to change for him. He fell in love with the natural Tara Knowles, even though she changed in that relationship, and if the natural Tara Knowles isn't good enough for him now then he can screw off.

* * *

(Daydream)

" _Tara, honey, can you run out and get a few things for me at the store? I'm just over my head gettin' ready for the party tonight."_

" _Sure, Gem. I'll just leave the kids with Donna."_

 _She handed me her list and I drove out of the garage lot._

 _From hating me the first time Jax brought me to the clubhouse, to welcoming me as her daughter-in-law and the mother of her grandchildren, our relationship has blossomed and become so pleasurable over the last few years. I would never admit to him, but Jax was right: we just needed to get to know each other. (Aka, Gemma needed time to realize her baby Jackson was all grown up and falling in love.)_

 _I decided to go to the store in the next town over, it was bigger, and I needed a wider selection. I was at the store, might as well pick a few things I need for my family while I'm here._

 _And this bad-driving bitch decided to cut me off, just to pass the guy in front of her. Seriously?_

 _I decide to blow it off, giving her the benefit of the doubt._

 _I don't know why, but she stays in front of me the whole drive to the grocery store, while driving the exact speed limit. I didn't have time for slow drivers! Now I'm getting pissed: first this idiot cuts me off and then manages to block me off so I couldn't pass her, and still drives slow. Screw you! And unfortunately for her, we were both heading to the same grocery store._

 _I followed her car and parked right behind her, blocking her in. I was going to give this horrible driver a peace of my mind._

" _Did you take drivers Ed in high school or did your mommy and daddy teach you nothing about driving" I say, screaming out of my rolled down window._

" _Excuse me? You were tailgating me the whole time, you're lucky I didn't brake check you."_

" _You were the one driving slow. In case you didn't know, the left lane isn't for slow drivers. Oh, and don't cut me off again." I was starting to roll up my window._

" _Oh, I'm so scared! Screw off, and be a good little wife and go get your boring husband some groceries so you can cook him a bad meal before he goes and cheats on his even more boring wife." She flicked me off and walked away._

 _Who did this bitch think she is? She has no idea who she's messing with. Now I parked my car and walked towards her._

" _You better take that back right now before I beat your face into your shitty car."_

" _And why would I do that?" She asked, buffing out her chest. Oh just wait, bitch._

" _You don't know who I am, do you? You low life's around here are so clueless, especially when it comes to driving. I'm a Sons Old Lady." I paused to watch her face grow with fear and worry. "That's right. I'm not just any Old Lady, I belong to the VP. And I'm about the biggest bitch you'll ever meet. And by the way, I'm a damn good cook, and if my husband ever cheated on me with a tramp like you, he'd be dead. Just like you'll be if you say something to me like that again." And I slapped her before walking away._

 _When she pulled my hair from behind, I quickly turned around and punched her in the nose, making sure I could hear the crack. There was blood covering her face, and a sense of pride overcame me._

" _I tried to warn you, honey." I said with a smile on my face._

 _I walked in to the grocery store and was immediately pulled into a back office._

" _Ma'am, are you aware we have video surveillance of the parking lot?" The manager asked me._

" _I don't work here, so why would I?"_

" _I just watched you assault this woman in the parking lot. That is you, correct?"_

" _It looks like me, and it's dressed like me, so I'm guessing it's me. Tara Teller, nice to meet ya." I said, sarcastically._

" _I'm going to have to call the police. We don't allow this behavior in our stores."_

" _Do whatever you gotta do, I'll wait. Let me know when they're here." I said, while pulling out a smoke._

 _I had been in this situation before, and I'm sure it won't be my last. This would never stick. That bitch had it coming, I tried to warn her. I guess some people never learn, the arrogance of some people._

 _I sat in the cell by myself, counting the bricks on the wall, waiting to be bailed out. It had at least been an hour, what was the hold up?_

 _I wanted to call Gemma, but she had the party tonight to plan. And I would know if the guys had a major run tonight, which is highly unlikely on the night of a huge SAMCRO party so maybe Jax wouldn't be too upset._

 _It was another fifteen minutes before the guard came to unlock the door, "Mrs. Teller, you're free to go."_

" _About damn time, you really know how to irritate a woman."_

 _I turned the corner that led to the lobby and saw my beautiful husband sitting in one of the ugly and faded chairs. Ah, my savior._

" _Tara, what were you thinking? I thought we left the girl fights back in high school." I caught a hint of worry in his voice. I quickly kissed him, I had missed him during my time on the inside._

" _It's been one of those days, and that bitch deserved it. Had to knock some sense into her."_

" _You're lucky she dropped the charges." His eyebrows raised, meaning he was slightly serious._

 _I love that he doesn't ask why she deserved the broken and bloody nose. Instead, he supports my decision and knows that whatever she said, was deserved. He backs me up and doesn't question me._

" _You don't think I would look hot in an orange jumpsuit?" I teased._

" _You'd be the hottest inmate I've ever seen, definitely hotter than Juice."_

" _I'm taking that as a compliment. I hate competing with him over you." I nibbled his ear._

" _Alright, let's not get cuffed for having sex in a police station."_

" _Don't be a buzzkill, babe. You know that's been on my to-do list since high school." I give him a sexy smirk._

" _I created a girl-fighting, sex-crazed monster. Let's get you home."_

" _I miss our babies. Please take me home. These cells aren't as nice as the ones in Charming."_

" _You got that right. And babe, let's keep the fighting to a minimum, okay? Unless it's over me, you know I love watching your perfect right hook."_

" _I'll throw more than a right hook if some whore comes that close to you, Jackson."_

" _I love you." He offered._

" _You should, your girls got a nasty right hook and a jealous streak." I kissed him lightly._

" _You and me both, babe. You and me both."_

 _He bent down to kiss me, and I knew I was still the luckiest girl alive._

* * *

I woke up from the mid-shift nap drenched in sweat.

 _Holy shit, I was the modern-day Gemma Teller._

It was like I was her replica: bitchy, smart-assed, fearless, and with a wild temper.

The apple doesn't fall from the tree with the Teller men: they both like their women strong, in charge, and uncontrollably sassy.

I awoke in a pissy mood. Is that how Jax would want me to act? Does he want his woman to punch others just because of something they said in defense of him?

 _He did it for you,_ I thought. Hell, he did it every time we left Charming. Outsiders just don't get understand to not hit on a biker's lady, and someone needed to teach him.

But high school was different, we were young and crazy and full of ranging hormones and most importantly: minors. As long as Jax didn't seriously hurt a guy for hitting on me, nothing would happen to him, especially with Unser in SAMCRO's pocket. But, we weren't in high school anymore. I'm a doctor, and he has a son. We can't be foolish anymore, our lives aren't the only ones at stake. It was time to grow up.

If Jax couldn't accept that I didn't want to act like Gemma and demand attention and love, and act like a total bitch just because of who her husband was, then I was out.

I came back for my father, to get away from Josh, but I was staying, hoping for a future with Jax.

My pager beeping tore me away from my dream and my disturbing thoughts.

* * *

A few days later, it was finally the weekend. And I had requested the whole weekend off, to relax, clean the house and not work my weekend away.

Maybe I'll open a bottle of wine and have a hot bath to relieve some of the stress away.

I hadn't heard from Josh yet, and I was starting to panic. Either he stayed in Chicago and was finally coming to terms that I didn't want to be with him or he followed me back to Charming and was waiting to strike at the perfect moment.

A chill spread throughout my body.

I walked to the front door to make sure it was locked. _Relax, Tara, he's not here. You're fine. You're safe. Now, relax. You're being paranoid._ I repeated my mantra to myself.

Once my breathing returned to normal, I decided it was time to clean. And bring out the old vinyl records. Dad left all records the way they always were; they were mom's collection, he didn't touch them when I was a child, it's not surprising that he left them exactly the way they were.

I found a _Beatles_ album _Yellow Submarine_ and knew instantly that was perfect. I put on my ratty cleaning clothes and was singing along to every song.

I was cleaning my closet, something that I should've done before I ever left as a teenager, when the top shelf fell on to the floor. And spread out all over my carpet, were my unsent letters to Jax while I was away at school. And the first one I saw, just happened to be matching my thinking.

 _#12_

 _My Dearest Jax,_

 _You gave me the most wonderful three years of my childhood, of my life. You made me realize that happiness, peace and love could still exist in this world. (I hope that one day you remember that. Just because your world can be so evil and cruel, does not mean you cannot find happiness and love again.)_

 _Even though you would always deny it, I was a Plain Jane, and you were a Ken doll. I will never know what you saw in me that day, maybe it was my ripped Metallica shirt you liked so much._

 _You deserve to know that I didn't leave because you weren't good enough for me. Please, do one thing for me, stop thinking you aren't good enough, or worthy for me. Because you were all those things._

 _I just can't fit into your world, Jackson. I can't be one of those girls who is okay with the arrests, and the drinking, and the cheating, and the lies. I never thought I would be the woman and Old Lady you needed me to be. I don't know if I ever will be one of those girls. It was your world, Jax, and I was just trying to survive in it._

 _I can't change who I am. This is who I am._

 _I didn't leave because of you, I left because of me. I can't be who I am, and who I want to be while in Charming. I can't accomplish great medical success while in Charming. I had to leave for me, to escape my own demons. I didn't leave because I didn't love you, please realize this._

 _I hope one day, I am back in your arms and we can look back on this time apart, and we realize it was necessary so our relationship could exist without limitations and resentments, only love. I need to do this Jax, I need to know that I am good enough._

 _I need to know that I am good enough._

 _Please forgive me._

 _Always yours,_

 _Tara_

The letter brought me to tears. I was sitting on my floor in my old room, remembering the night I wrote this letter. My roommate had a new boyfriend, was starting to skip class to be with him, was staying out all night partying, and ended failing two courses and I think even dropped out at the end of freshman year.

I remember feeling overwhelmed with emotions. She reminded me so much of myself. My roommate wasn't torn, but I was. I wanted Jax, and the happiness that he gave me. But I also wanted my career, and to make myself happy. And my roommate represented me if I had stayed, and I shuddered thinking back to the night she came crying to the dorm thinking she was pregnant.

While her life was spiraling out of control, she made me focus hard on my studies, which made me end up on the Dean's List my freshman year.

That girl would've been me if I stayed in Charming, except I wouldn't have been in college at all.

And look at me now, a surgical resident, one of the top residents in my field.

I grabbed the bottle of wine and sang along to _Beatles_ songs until I fell asleep.

* * *

It was a few weeks later, and with little interaction with Jax, except while in the hospital talking about Abel. He had his life, and I had mine. And for now, there was no reason for our lives to come together.

I wasn't throwing him any signals, and he certainly wasn't sending any to me.

Maybe it was time for me to accept that our love in high school was just that: in high school. Past, past-tense, no longer existing.

He moved on, _obviously,_ and I could too.

It wasn't until I asked Hale about restraining orders being able to cross state lines, that Jax struck up a conversation with me that Abel wasn't the topic of.

He never liked Hale, I knew that in high school and I assumed that hadn't changed while I was away. They were on opposing sides, of the law, and of me: Jax got me and David Hale always wanted to, but never did. Luckily, he never acted like a sore loser like Jax always did after arguments.

We were walking to see Abel and he pulled me aside, "What were you doing talking to Hale? Everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's good. Just asking a few questions." I tried my best to hide my growing fear and my unease.

He nodded. "Call me if something's up, okay?"

This time, it was my turn to nod. "Yeah, of course." I paused. "Thanks."

My Jax, always so protective.

Should I have told him about Josh?

 _No don't be stupid, you don't have real evidence that he followed you to Charming, just some bad feelings and little clues. You'd be stupid to make Jax get involved. ATF agent and a gun-running biker fighting wouldn't end well. Josh had the law on his side, but Jax had muscle and the ability to outsmart Josh, I don't know who would win that battle. And I definitely don't want them battling over me._

 _No, it's better to not let Jax know. He would just get worked up and overly protective and insist on him staying over. It's better this way._

Later that week, I was back at the hospital and Jax was too. I'm sure Gemma was busting his balls every minute he wasn't here seeing Abel. I had to hand it to her, she really loved that kid.

We had walked and talked on the way to Abel's room in the NICU as we normally do, but an intern stopped me on the way, handing me a closed envelope.

I hesitated opening it. The postage was unmarked and had no return address.

Once Jax was inside, I opened the package alone, wandering what the contents might alone. And when I finally saw the filth and inappropriate pictures inside, I wondered what pervert would watch two people having rough sex just to take pictures to send me. And why was my ex-boyfriend the subject of every picture? And one person came to mind, _Josh._

I looked around, making sure no one was watching. Since the package was unmarked and had no postage, that meant he had to be close by. He probably handed the intern the package. _He was here, at my hospital._ He found me.

I wanted to collapse, to hide and run away again. I want to cry and sob and ask what I did to make his man obsessed with me.

Jax noticed my terrorized face and left Abel to figure out the reason for my scared face; a face he came to know too well.

Without being able to ask, "Do you mind giving me a ride home after my shift? I get off in a few."

"Yeah, sure. You sure there's no problem?" His face overcame with worry and curiosity.

"Too tired to drive, been a long week. I just feel better knowing someone's with me, ya know?" He should know, he went practically everywhere with me during our high school days. Somedays I wouldn't want to be alone, especially when things would heat up with the club and their enemies. And the only place Jax let me go by myself was to work and school, and that was only when he couldn't drive me. Back then, he was my protector, my savior, my guardian, my Knight in shining leather, and anything else I needed him to be.

He nodded, knowing what ever was bothering me he would find out eventually. "I get it."

"Thanks. I'll just wrap a few things up and meet you in the lobby."

"Yeah, okay." And he slowly retreated back into Abel's private room.

* * *

 **I would not let Josh Kohn take control over my life, again. I already played the role of the wimpy victim, and I would not let Josh hurt me again. Not now, and not ever again.**


	6. The Modern Day Gemma Teller, Part 2

_**Just a few little chats Tara has within the week.. and somehow they all revolve around Gemma, being a badass bitch, and of course Jax!  
And these 'chats' all take place over a week or so. **_

_**By the end of this chapter, you'll realize I'm not following Kurt Sutter's storytelling of Season 1 to be exact, I'm including his main storylines (Kohn, Abel, you'll find out the rest) but I'm also including scenes and conversations that weren't included in the show that us viewers are dying to watch. We missed out on some very important dialogue between Jax/Tara, Gemma/Tara.  
**_

 _ **The second part of Chapter 5 is basically the conversations we never got to see!**_

 _ **Enjoy!  
**_

* * *

 _Chapter 5: The Modern Day Gemma Teller, Part 2  
_

It was strange.

When thinking back to this, all I would remember is how strange it felt.

I was on the back of Jackson Teller's motorcycle, 11 years later, and it felt like no time had passed at all. Everything was different, yet everything was the same. I was the first girl he ever had on the back of his bike, and it would always hurt knowing he shared that experience with others. Yet, here I am more than a decade later, and the same thrill and excitement and freedom is still there; is that because I'm back on a motorcycle or because I'm back on a motorcycle with Jax?

And here he was, eleven years later, standing inside my house.

This house stood so many memories for us. Bad and good: him rescuing me from an alcoholic father, me sneaking him in thorough my bedroom window, the times I made us dinner in the kitchen, the countless times he would stay the night just because I was scared to fall asleep alone while my father was drinking in the living room. This house held so many memories, and it gave me goosebumps.

And he realized it too, how precious this place was to our relationship.

"Do you want anything to drink? I think I have some beer in the fridge."

"Sure." He nodded, looking around. I could tell he felt out of place. He never did feel comfortable here, my father made sure of that.

I sat on the couch, beer in my left hand and a wine glass in my right.

"Figured the least I could do was give you a drink for driving me home."

"Don't sweat it. You saved my kid's life, I should be giving you drinks." I love his smile.

"Let's just call it even." I smirked, we always liked to compete.

There was an awkward pause, where neither of us knew what to say. There was too much say, and neither of us knew where to start.

"You gonna tell me what's going on with you, Tara?" He always got so worried about my safety, which was rather adorable and loving of him.

"Jax, I told you, I'm fine. Just a lot going on at work."

"Hospitals don't seem like a scary place to work at, hun. Tell me what happened back there. You looked like you saw a ghost." He sipped his beer.

 _The ghost being memories of you and I Jax, together, physically. The ghost being my abusive ex-boyfriend being back in town._

"Just got some pictures of you, that's all." I looked down, trying to avoid his state.

His eyebrows raised. "Pictures? Of me? What the hell, Tara?"

"Someone sent them to me. They were of you and some blonde." I tried to say those words without sounding jealous or angry or disgusted.

He stood up and started to pace the floor. He thought I was jealous. "Her and I, I don't know what to say- we aren't together. It was nothing. I'm sorry you saw that."

"You and I aren't together, what you do and who you do it with, isn't my problem, Jax. You don't have to apologize to me."

"Yeah, but you shouldn't have to get sent pictures of me… It ain't right. Sorry." He reached for his beer and took a long pull.

"It was definitely a surprise. Looked very… rough." I almost choked.

"This is some perverted shit. Do you know someone who would do something like this?"

I chugged the rest of my wine. Do I tell him or do I keep lying?

Here goes nothing... "I think someone is trying to make me jealous or make me break up with you."

I looked at Jax, a confused look was spread over his face.

"My ex. I think he's doing this to get me back." I confessed as little as possible.

"Why would he fucking take pictures of me having sex to get you back? What the fuck Tara?"

I began to fidget; I knew the rules, to never rat on the club, to never talk about the club, to never share even when asked.  
Would Jax be pissed that Josh knows about him?

"He knows about you, that you're in a club-that's all I told him, I swear. I never even told him the name. He saw the crow and starting asking questions. I'm guessing he's trying to scare me away from you, from Charming. He could get… protective. I don't know, Jax."

He sat and couch and pulled out a smoke.

"I'm sorry- I know I should've never said anything, but it was the only way to get him to shut up. So I just told him you were some sort of Harley enthusiast and we got the tattoo together. I swear Jax, I'm not a rat."

"And you think that's why he's here? To scare you into running back to Chicago?" He seemed angry, hell who wouldn't be?

He wasn't screaming at me, this is good.

"I don't know, maybe. I'll handle it, I'll talk to him. I didn't mean to bring you into this, I didn't even know he was here. I'll handle it, I'm sorry he involved you in this."

"Are you sure?"

The words were coming out shaky, "Yes. This is my problem, my crazy ex-boyfriend. I don't want you getting in the middle. This is about me, I'll deal with it. It's my problem, not yours."

"Jesus Christ, Tara. Just because we aren't together anymore doesn't mean I want to see this fucking lunatic hurt you. You act like I don't even care about you anymore."

He stepped away from me then, running his hands through his tousled hair- a nervous and frustrated habit of his.

"I know you do- that came out wrong. Sorry. I know you have enough shit to deal with, you don't need to worry about my messed up ex-boyfriend. This isn't about you, it's about me." I paused, to think about my next words, "I'm sorry you got in the middle. I'll handle it, him, I'll handle him."

He ran his hands through his shaggy hair and sighed heavily.

"This is some messed up shit."

I nodded, not wanting to say anymore on the subject.

"You okay to deal with this pervert?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

He stood up from the couch and headed towards my front door.

"Yeah, okay. Call me if he doesn't go away. Op and I will handle it if your plan doesn't work."

I nodded again, the less he knew the better. "Thanks again for the ride."

"Anytime." He paused. "Lock your doors and close your blinds. If he's taking pictures of me, he's probably taking pictures of you."

 _Oh my god, why had I never thought of that? He's probably watching us right now. Oh my god. Oh my god. How long as he been watching me? What if he watches me undress and while I'm showering through the bathroom window. Oh my god.  
_

Jax saw me grow with fear, and hugged me.

This is the closest we had ever been in years.

We stayed like that for a few minutes. I missed the smell of his leather, and his shampoo. He always smelled like leather and musk, and it was intoxicating. And the tighter his arms were against my tiny body, the more complete I felt.

"I gotta go. I'll have a prospect drive by during the night, check on things. Call me if anything changes."

I hugged myself, "Yeah, sure. Thanks for coming over."

He offered me a sad, small smile, and then turned to walk out the door.

I wanted to tell him _everything_ in that moment, the miscarriage he knew nothing about, Opie traveling to see me, the sent and unsent letters, Josh Kohn the ATF agent who raped and abused me had stalked me back to Charming, and most importantly the love I still had in my heart for him.

He deserved to know everything, but there wasn't enough time in the world. He deserved to know the truth, the _whole_ truth, but there was a part inside of me that was scared to confess everything. I knew that confessing all the secrets to him would only break his heart more, and what if at the moment there is too much damage for us to ever find our way back to each other?

What if these truths hurt more than a lie ever could?  
What if these truths keep us apart?  
What is these truths do more harm than good?  
What if these truths make Jax realize that a future with me could never work?  
What if these truths ending up causing more than just emotional damage?  
What if these truths break his family apart?

I leaned back in the couch and cried, wondering how my life had gotten so twisted and fucked up.

* * *

Jax and I hadn't really talked since that night, he's called a few times just to make sure my ex hadn't tried anything crazy. I did hear a bike drive by during the night, knowing that it wasn't him and wishing that it was.

It's been almost a week, and almost no signs of Josh. He hadn't tried to come inside and he hasn't threaten me _yet,_ but I knows he's out there, watching.

Two days ago, there were pink rose petals on the windshield of the Cutlass, and I got another set of pictures of Jax: this time it was him and the club with their guns drawn firing at an unknown enemy. Was he trying to scare me away from Jax and back into his arms?

Why didn't he understand that he was the one that made me feel scared? Why didn't he understand that Jackson was the only person who could make me feel safe?

The irony.

* * *

I was at the hospital, the night shift.

And I knew he was there, watching over me. He had avoided me for the most part, but I could feel him before I could see him. His eyes had a way of burning through me, warning me to run for the hills.

It was causing me stress and anxiety and for my body to have panic attacks. This was my place of work, he shouldn't be here following me around like a lost puppy.

I stopped and turned around. My inner goddess was cheering me on, _Stand up to him, Tara! He can't hurt you here. Yell at him, scream at him!_ but the real Tara was wondering what the hell I was thinking.

I got right up in his face, "What the hell are you doing here, Josh?"

"I'm on a case Tar-Tar, you know that." That nickname gave me chills.

"Why are you following me? This is where I work, you can't keep doing this."

"I'm just trying to protect you! This place isn't safe for you."

"I don't need your protection. I want you to leave me the hell alone. I still have that restraining order, stay away from me."

I could see his face get all twisted and hurt and angry. "But, Tar-bear, we're supposed to work on us, fix our problems, start over again. I'm trying to save you from that _loser._ "

The way _loser_ came off his lips, sounded as if he thought Jax was a white trash scumbag who lived in a trailer park, as if he was better than Jax.. This had nothing to do with Jax.

"He and I aren't together. Stop following me, stop leaving flowers on my car, stop sending me pictures, just stop it! I don't want you! I don't feel safe with you. Leave me alone, Josh. Stay away from me!" I yelled and I knew every one of my colleagues on the floor could hear our fight.

Maybe now they would know to not let Josh into this hospital wing. I don't feel safe with him here.

I turned around before he had time to react. I knew he would try to reach for my hair and pull me back, so my head would snap and I would fall to the floor. I've played this game too many times, and this time I knew he couldn't react. He couldn't "teach me a lesson" or "make me realize that I hurt him". I knew my words would have a negative reaction, probably towards Jax, but maybe now Josh would finally leave.

I hope.

* * *

The next day, I was on my way to the police station, to finally tell David Hale who Josh Kohn really was. It was time that he knew who his department was working with. It was way past time for him to know that Josh wasn't allowed anywhere near me.

But I didn't make it there.

Gemma's Cadillac pulled up behind me and she practically got of her car just to tell me to pull over. Was a simple phone call not a good enough form of communication?

"Hello, Gemma. You know, I have this fancy new cell phone. I can give you my number so you don't have to run me off the road next time."

"Listen here, my Jax has enough to deal with, he doesn't need you coming in and messing with his head."

"We aren't nineteen anymore Gemma, he can do what he wants."

"He's got a kid now, he doesn't have time for your psycho bitch head games. He doesn't have time to be wrapped around your pussy. You need to leave Jax alone."

"Oh and being pussy wrapped around a slutty croweater is better? Geez, Gemma, when will you stop hating me? When are you going to realize that I loved your son? Don't you want that for him, someone who loves him and not someone who just wants him for his leather? Someone who can be a good mother to his son? You want Abel calling Ima or one of her friends mommy? Didn't think so. And by the way, we aren't even together. Next time you want to run me off the road, don't. Now back up before I run over your pretty little boots." I sped off, cutting off three cars in the process.

The nerve of Gemma Teller. Does she think saying a few words in her matriarchal tone is going to get me to leave Charming and her precious Jackson?

Why is loving her son so bad? Hell, I should just be a croweater and wear stripper heels around the clubhouse, maybe then she'll approve of me.

There was no way I was going to the station with this kind of anger.

That bitch brought out the worst in me. Would we ever get along? What did I ever do to make her hate me so much?

I made a right turn and pulled into the liquor store parking lot.

* * *

I was drunk, I knew that.

I didn't know where I was.

It smelled awful in this building, and there was puke on the floor.

 _Was that my puke? Oh God._

The music was making the walls vibrate, the room was starting to spin.

I needed to sit down.

Someone sat down next to me. He looked cute, _really_ cute.

"I just wanted to let you know, you're really cute." Drunk Tara has all the confidence while Sober Tara has none.

"Why can't you tell me these things when your sober, Knowles?"

"Maybe I need to be drunk to like you. Ever think about that?"

The man jokingly grabbed at his heart, "You really know how to kill a man."

I gave him a wink.

"You think it would take this much alcohol for us to talk to each other if you didn't leave?"

"If I stayed, either I would hate you and leave you or I would love you even more than I ever did and become your mother. So yes, I think so. Hand me that bottle, Ken."

He rolled his eyes, he hated that nickname.

"You'd hate me, really? You can't hate me, you just told me I was cute." Because I was drunk, I couldn't tell if he was messing with me or trying to have a conversation me while intoxicated.

"Either hate you for being becoming Clay or hate me for becoming Gemma. Pick your poison, babe."

"Why do you hate my mother so much, Tara?"

"Ask her yourself." He would find the answer soon enough.

"I'll never understand chicks." He took anther drunk.

"I'm not her, I don't want to be her. If you need me to be like her, I can't."

"What are-"

I cut him off:

"If you need your Old Lady to act like Gemma, meddling in people's shit, lying, breaking noses, being okay with cheating while 'on runs' or other shit, then I'm not your Old Lady."

"I never asked you to be like her."

"In high school I wanted to be her, hell even you wanted me to be her. All the girl fights, the misdemeanor arrests, she was my role model."

"We're not in high school anymore. I don't want you to be my mother."

"Okay." I nodded. _What do you want me to be, Jax? Who do you want me to be? Do you even want me?_

He smiled, it was handsome as ever. "Okay."

I grabbed the bottle out of his hand, "You know, I'm really glad we had his talk while we were drunk. Woulda been too awkward if we were sober."

"Agreed. Come on, I know where Bobby hides his weed during club parties."

He took my hand and led me. Oh I loved to be led by this man, even if was just to find good weed. Watching his ass when he walked didn't hurt either, damn I love being led by this man.

It was like we were Jax & Tara from 1996-97, only this time we acted so much more mature while drunk. And, we smoked much better weed.


	7. The Dangers of Being an Old Lady, Part 1

"Please, just please don't hurt me."

"I would never hurt you on purpose Tara, I love you."

"If you love me, can you untie me?"

"So you can run? I don't think to Tar-Tar. You're not running this time." And he had this devilish smirk on his face that made me want to vomit and actually kill myself at the same time.

 _How was this love? Didn't he realize how toxic he was? Of course not, he's a psychopath. I sure now how to pick 'em. I go from one form of toxic love to actual violent abusive love. Why do I always attract the ones that hurt me?_

 _God, I need to get out of here before this gets any worse._

* * *

 _(24 hours earlier)_

"I'll see you in three days." I smiled, halfway out the door.

"Enjoy your time off, Tara! We're so jealous you got the time approved."

"And you can bet I'll be drinking the whole time, bye girls!"

I finally got some days off, and no matter the trauma, I couldn't get called in. I would the miss the action and the intensity the first 12 hours, but after that I plan on being too buzzed and relaxed to care.

I had three new bottles of Merlot and Cabernet in my wine cooler, a hair appointment tomorrow morning and lots of online shopping planned. Without any friends, boyfriend or things to do in Charming, drinking and shopping was the only to do. Call it the Knowles gene.

I wasn't going to talk to anyone for three days except my body hair stylist, I wasn't going to get confronted by Gemma for three days, or get weird vibes from Jax for three days. A perfect mini-vacation.

But first on the list was a nap, at least three hours long.

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I woke up from my magnificent nap feeling refreshed, and majorly thirsty. _Why use water when Jesus gave us wine?_

I was half a bottle deep when I found the old Rolling Stones vinyl albums and instantly started dancing and singing along to the familiar melody.

Halfway through the pepperoni and sausage pizza, and one glass away from finishing the first bottle of wine, my doorbell rang.

"I'm glad you still like The Stones. The big city didn't change ya too much." He teased.

"I've always loved The Stones. Better then the Beatles, always will be."

"Got it, better than The Beatles. Sticky Fingers, great album. You always listened to good music."

"I think you just dated me for my vinyl collection." I teased.

"I think you just dated me for good sex and my bike."

I looked him straight in the eye, all the statements were true, just excluding other truths. "Truce?"

He nodded.  
He looked around, the loud music, pizza, wine bottles. "Who you break up with?"

I gave him a confused look while finishing the bottle. "The junk food and the drinking, it's your go-to break up fix."

"I'm celebrating. I'm on a mini-vacation from work. And the only way I know how to celebrate is with drinks and good pizza."

He gave me a grin. That grin. _My grin_.

"Just came by to make sure you were good. It's been a while." He avoided my eyes. If I wasn't drunk I would've pressed him on the avoidance, but right now I couldn't give a shit.

"No work, no Gemma, no ex-boyfriend since last week, I'm fine. You want something to drink?"

He shook his head, "Nah. On my way to church."

"Partyyyyyyy Pooper."

"Maybe next time. You sure you're good?" He raised his eyebrows, like he always does when someone is about to make a fool of themselves. Classic Jax Teller gesture.

"Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Go to church, go do biker things."

That got him to laugh, "I'll check on ya tomorrow, bring you some breakfast and Advil."

"Thanks." I said, soft smiling at our newfound friendship.

He was almost out the door, "Hey, why are you always so nice to me?" I asked, curiously.

I may be drunk, but it was still a question I wanted answered. After everything I put his heart through, all the fighting we went through, all the drama, all the heartache, Jackson Teller was still here trying to protect me, thinking of me and being nice to me.

 _Those who think they know Jackson Teller, don't know him at all._

He shrugged his shoulders. I could tell I caught him off guard. "I don't know." He paused, ran his fingers through his hair, a sign of stress.  
"I like it. I want to be someone you can depend on. Maybe I'm just trying to make up for all the shit I did to you in high school."

I smiled. This man has changed since high school. He is no longer a boy, but a man. "Goodnight, Jackson."

"Goodnight, Tara." He kissed my forehead before he left into the night.

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It was morning, early the-sun-isn't-even-up early.

My head hurt. How much did I drink last night? Cut it out, Doc.

I needed to pee.

 _Why was the bathroom so far away? God damnit._

I wandered out into the kitchen to grab some water, and I saw breakfast already sitting on the kitchen table. Eggs, pancakes, bacon, and waffles all waiting to be eaten.

 _It's 6 am, Jax is already here? And had time to cook? …. Then where is he? And since when does Jackson Teller cook?_

 _…. And the front door was unlocked. Jax would've locked the door, he always locks the door. Always. And his bike isn't outside. God knows the man hates cars._

Oh no.

I ran back into my room. I had to call him immediately. I had get safe. I had to get Jax. I had to get out of this house. I had to let Jax know that Joshua hadn't left.

I locked the bedroom door behind me, took a breath and stumbled looking for my phone.

Under the bed, on the nightstand, in the bathroom… _where was it?_

The closet door opened, "Looking for this Tar-Tar?"

I turned around, too shocked to run.

"I figured you'd want to run back to him, let him know I was back, and I just couldn't let my Tara be a biker slut."

I was starting to stutter, "H-h-how'd you get in here? The door was l-l-locked."

"Now c'mon, after last night you're going to need a good breakfast. Let's go eat. You're probably starving. Once we get back to Chicago, you're not drinking like that again, so I hope you enjoyed your night. I will not let my girlfriend act in such an inappropriate way. You're lucky no one saw you. Drinking like that wasn't very motherly of you, Tara. I mean, do you have any manners? Woman are not supposed to get drunk like that."

"You can't control me, Josh. We aren't together anymore."

He slapped me. "Stop saying that!"

I wanted to cry, to vomit, to run, to hide, to kick him in the stomach, but he held my arms.

"I'm sorry about that- it's just- I just hate you saying that Tar-Tar. Let's eat breakfast."

 _I can't drink alcohol anymore? He was in my house last night? Does he really think we're back together?  
_ _I have to get out of here._

"Hey Joshy," deep breaths, "we're you in here last night?"

"Of course, I followed you to the liquor store and I knew I had to protect you in case he showed up."

 _Oh my god! Oh my god! He was in my house last night! He was watching and listening to me. Oh my god! Hold back the vomit, Tara!_

"That was very kind of you. Thank you."

"I told you Tar-Tar, I'm not going to let that monster hurt you anymore. He's only bad news. He's only going to hurt you, I had no choice but to protect you."

"I b-b-believe you, Josh. Thank you."

"Eat, now. The food is getting cold." He shoved a waffle into my mouth.

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I had tried to run.

It was a brief moment when he had went into the bathroom. I hadn't been tied up then.

I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a chair to shove underneath the door handle so he would be locked in the master bedroom. I was hoping it would give me at least a minute or two to find my car keys and run.

But it didn't.

I couldn't find my car keys because he already took and hid them. And he had my phone. The best I could do was run next door, or maybe try and make it to Opie's house. Opie's was a long shot, but anything was better than being trapped in this house, with him.

I ran into the kitchen, accidentally knocking a glass plate on the floor- setting Josh into a crazed state.

 _If only I wasn't so clumsy, he wouldn't have known I was trying to escape._

I slipped on my old sandals that were by the door, struggling to unlock the door that he had somehow locked when I wasn't paying attention.  
 _When did he lock the door? And why didn't I notice?_

 _It wouldn't unlock! Shit! Hurry Tara! He's coming._

I heard him beating on the bathroom door- I probably only had 15 seconds before he would be free of the bathroom.

I had finally unlocked the door and had started to run out of the house when I heard Josh yelling after me.

I was in the middle of the driveway-running as fast as I could,

"Fuck Tara! Stop!"

I felt his body fall on top of mine, hitting the concrete driveway hard. Fuck!

"Help! Help! Someone please help me! Help! Someone please!" I screamed as loud as a I could. I tried. I tried to remember everything Jax taught me in high school. I tried to remember everything I learned in the defense classes from my first year in Chicago. I tried everything I could think of.

 _Elbow to the gut. Elbow to the groin. Foot stomp. Turn around, palm of my hand to the nose, punch to the gut._

It was working- but he was stronger than I.

 _Slap to the face. Punch to the gut. Forceful push to the ground. Kick to the stomach. Restraining my arm. Punch to the face._

I could feel the blood pouring out of my nose. I could feel the horrible pain coming from my stomach. The beating in Chicago was bad- but I never fought back then, today was so much more worse.

 _Kick to the nuts. Punch to the face. Palm of my hand to his nose again._

He was bleeding badly and hunched over in pain.

 _Run Tara! This is your chance! Run!_

I was a half-mile away, screaming for help with every step, when he caught up to me.

"Help me! Somebody please! Call 911!"

Nobody cared about anything before 7 am. I knew no one would come outside. But trying to find help was better than not fighting.

I turned my neck, and in that instant I saw his bloody, angered body lunge onto mine- causing both of us to fall hard onto the rocky concrete street.

I could feel the now raw, cut up skin on my knees and elbows. I could also feel the sharp pain of his fist making contact with my jaw.

"What did I say about trying to escape, Tar-Tar? You never learn."

I screamed as loud as I could, hoping a scream of bloody murder would wake someone.

"Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up!"

I didn't know what to do- keep screaming and hope one of my neighbors would wake up or listen to his demands. What would save my life?

But none of that mattered anymore- he spun me around and zip-tied my hands together. And then said he would tie my once we were in the car.

 _Where were we going?_

How do I leave clues for Jax? He's an early riser, he'll be here soon, and then he'll come looking for me. He always told me to leave breadcrumbs, and that'll lead him to me. I smiled. No matter how scary, at the end of nightmare, it was always Jax saving me.

We were back in my house.

"Stay here. I'm packing you a bag. Sit here and be quiet."

I nodded. I walked slowly into my bedroom, trying to not upset him.

He raised his hand, as if to slap me with it for not following his instructions.

"Please." I flinched. "I just have some favorites I wanted in Chicago. I wanted to help, be useful. Go eat, I'll pack."

"I'm not un-tying you." He warned.

"I know. I'm not running. I'm ready to go home, with you." A chill went down my spine.

He smiled and walked away. How did he believe this shit?

I made the packing messy- so it looks like we left in a rush.

This guy plans meticulously, and I had to try everything to try and stall- maybe put a dent in his flawless plan.

I didn't pack any makeup or bathroom products: making my look as disgusting as possible. And maybe he'll get rid of me once my leg hair starts to grow back and I stop wearing makeup.

 _If a girl voluntarily goes on a trip, why would she leave without makeup and body necessities and her purse?_

I came into the kitchen, "Eat. We didn't have time for the little performance in the street. Hurry."

I sat, "Where are we going?"

He glared at me: wondering if I was to be trusted. "You're going somewhere safe and far away, while I put that white trash asshole and his friends in jail. And then we'll leave for Chicago."

 _Th_ e _only "safe" places in Charming were run-down motels and abandoned warehouses. Stall him, Tara._ h

"Joshy, I'm on my period and I don't have anything here at the house. Can we stop? I don't want to bleed out on your car."

I protected my face, just in case his first instinct was to hit me for stalling the plan.

"We'll have to make it quick." Phew, he bought it.

"Thanks." I fake smiled. "So what did the pieces of trash in SAMCRO do this time?" Playing naïve was never something I was good at. I was always too smart to play the dumb girl.

"Nothing you should be involved in. It's work, nothing that concerns you. Now let's go the car." He forcefully grabbed my arm and led me outside.

"Wait! I forgot my birth control. I'm gonna run and get it." I was already inside before he could say no.

 _He found me. He snuck in the house last night. He's taking me somewhere. He wants to go back to Chicago._

 _I'm tied, then a "safe" place for me._

 _He's going to put SAMCRO behind bars._

I ran and stuck the note on my bed, hiding slightly underneath my pillow. Hopefully he'll look hard enough to find it.

"I realized I want kids, I'm ready for our family." I said, when he asked why I didn't have anything with me when I emerged back outside.

I wanted to barf.

He kissed me tenderly. And then shoved my body into the passenger seat.

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I was in and out of consciousness.  
I slightly opened my eyes, the light burning them.  
The building was old, there was mold and cracks in the foundation.  
The floor was concrete.  
Besides the chair I was in, and a ripped couch for him, that was the only furniture in the warehouse.

I knew we were alone.  
I heard a train in the distance.

Then the lights went dark.

* * *

 _(daydream)_

"Alright Gemma, I'm leaving for Lodi now. I'll be back late tonight to pick up the kids. Everything they need is in the diaper bag, I put it in your office. And there's a loosely guided schedule I wrote on the desk. We're trying to switch Abel from two naps to one. Call me if you need anything or if you need me to come home early. Jax, Opie and Bobby are in Tacoma for the weekend, so Jax won't be around at all. Thanks so much!" I hugged Gemma, kissed her cheeks and then said my goodbyes to the kids.

I was off to visit an old high school girlfriend and hopefully help the club. She married a judge, and it was up to me to see if her husband could persuade Juice and Happy's judge into shorter jail time. I know Jax hates using me for the club, hates involving me in shit I shouldn't be involved in, but I want to help. I didn't just marry him, I married the club. Plus, this isn't illegal. This is just two old friends from high school meeting up for lunch and some shopping.

I didn't want to be clueless, I wanted to know everything about the club. I wanted to be helpful, a weapon.

Hell, maybe being the modern day Gemma Teller wasn't always a bad thing.

I was the President's Old Lady, and I would be damned if I was going to play house and be clueless and naive about the club. No, I was going to be vital to helping the club in whatever way I could.

I was halfway to Lodi, stopping for gas when the blacked out van that pulled up next to me and shoved me into the back.

"Do you know who I am?" I screamed.

The men laughed. They do know who I am. What the hell did Jax do now?

"Why do you think we took you? Because you're pretty?" More laughter erupted from the tatted men.

They knew Jax, and they know who I am and their tatted. These men must be a part of some rival club. They're getting revenge. Silly boys, this isn't going to work.

"You just signed your death warrant." I spit on the one closest to me.

And on went the duct tape.

They were talking in Spanglish- a mixture of Spanish and English. Damn it, why did I take French and German in high school? It's not like the Nazi's won the war. Damn, I should've taken Spanish.

We were driving, almost an hour now.

 _Jax, Opie and Bobby are up at the Tacoma charter, they can't do anything. It'll be too late for them to help, and they're in serious business in Tacoma. It's up to Tig, Chibs and Clay to help me out. Eventually someone will realize my car has been parked at the gas station for more than an hour, pumping gas, with the driver's side door open. And when Gemma calls to check in with the boys and I don't answer, she'll know something is wrong. Now I just had to hope it wasn't too long before someone back home realizes I never made it to Lodi._

 _Maybe my friend, Cheryl, will call the garage asking why I never made it to lunch. I did give her the number to the garage yesterday._

Two hours later, I was tied to a chair in a basement. I had two men sitting on a couch watching me, drinking beer, laughing that they kidnapped SAMCRO's Queen without a hitch. They were in for a world of hell.

"What do you want? Money? Revenge? Huh? What the hell do you want from me?"

"Ah, Jackson's got a feisty one. I'm sure he likes you feisty, especially in bed. Are you rough and demanding when he sleeps with you? I bet he's the submissive. You like it rough don't you?"

I spit at his feet.

And he grabbed my neck and held it backwards, "I'm sure you like it rough. I mean, you married into a biker thug. I'm sure those whores he sleeps with like it rough too. We seen all those girls that hang around, you really think he isn't tapping those asses? Newsflash honey, he married a slut, of course he's going to keep sleeping with sluts."

I couldn't breathe. He had to have been choking me for more than three minutes.

He walked upstairs, leaving me alone with the quiet one.

They gave me water and stale bread. T _hey wanted me alive, why? They could've killed me by now. So, they were using me for leverage, they wanted a ransom._

"If you want money, we don't have it. Bikers aren't millionaires."

"Your old man knows what we want." He went back upstairs.

Ten minutes later, he reappeared. "Oh look, it's him calling now. Scream, and I will kill you. One minute."

"Jax?" I whispered.

"Tara, babe, are you okay? Police found your car with a dead body in it, when the police wouldn't identify the body, we thought it was you. We've been mourning you for a day now." I could hear my husband holding back his tears. Did they really think I was dead?

"I'm fine. A little hungry. He says you know what they want, he won't tell me."

"We've got a plan, babe. I'm going to be there to personally kill them all. I love you."

"I love you, too. Tell the boys that mommy loves them."

The phone was torn from my ear before I could hear Jax's voice for a last time. If this abduction does end badly, the last thing I heard from my husband was 'I love you' and the last thing he heard me say was 'I love you'. That's something I could love with. I always wanted us to end that way- with love.

It was tomorrow. Late at night, I could see the moon from the small basement window. My mind was racing. I hadn't peed in over 24 hours. All I wanted was to be home in bed, with Jax and the boys. My own version of happiness- domestic bliss.

 _I knew Jax would come through. No matter how busy he is with the club, I know my safety, and the boys safety, always comes first. And his brothers would risk their lives to save mine. So, why aren't they here yet?_

It was the next day. The morning sun woke me up.

The dominant male slapped my face along with my breakfast of stale bread.

"Hope the conversation with your husband was a good one, gonna have to last you a while."

"What did you do to him? What the hell did you do?" I screamed. I tried everything I could to be free of the restraints on my wrists and feet.

He just laughed, amused with the pain he was inflicting on me. "You never have to torture women, torture their old man and the women torture themselves." He continued on laughing. Sadistic asshole.

It was hours later, when I was given "lunch" aka more stale bread and warm water. The quiet man was feeding me small pieces of bread when a man tumbled down the stairs- a gunshot wound to his left leg- it was the sadistic man.

 _My man! He's here! He's here to save me._

Behind the injured man came Jax, and Opie. I could hear Bobby screaming upstairs, holding a gun to someone's head.

The quiet man instantly dropped the awful food and surrendered. I almost felt bad for the guy, he was going to die and didn't even want to be here with me.

Jax ran to me and instantly starting untying me while Opie remained locked on the quiet man.

He kissed me with passion and lust and sadness. My man, my poor man, he had probably been through so much in the last 72 hours- saying our goodbyes like normal, to thinking I was dead for at least 24 hours, to then knowing I was kidnapped, and to seeing me like this. I just wanted to kiss him and love him. I hated seeing my man so heartbroken and miserable.

"I'm so sorry babe, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault, I'm so sorry." He whispered 'I'm sorry' in my ear probably a hundred times.

I gently grasped his jaw with my hands and looked him straight in the eye, "I'm fine, Jax. I love you. I love you for saving me, for risking your life for me, for protecting me. I love you."

Tears were forming in his eyes, "I love you, too." He pulled me into a hug that was so tight I could feel his heart beat against my skin.

"Take me home, Jackson. I miss my babies. I miss you."

"Yes, ma'am. Just gotta deal with these assholes."

He kissed my forehead and the Opie lead me upstairs so I wouldn't have to a witness to a murder.

Bad things may happen in the MC world, scary things. But at the end of the day, I have the most loving husband, the best father to my children, the best adoptive brothers in the world, and even on the worst days I still feel safe and protected.

We were back at home, Jax making me dinner, letting me relax.

I walked up behind my man, wrapped my arms tightly around his torso, breathing in his musky/leather scent. I smiled.

"Hey babe."

"Hey darlin'." I could hear the smile in his voice.

I whispered now, "What did they want? Why did they take me?"

Jax sighed, he hated telling me the dark secrets of SAMCRO, but he knew better than to lie.

A minute passed, "They wanted me. They took you to get to me. They wanted to kill me."

A chill went down my spine. _A world with Jackson? My boys without their father?_ I shuttered.

I hung on to him tighter. I needed to feel his body. I needed his strong, muscular body around mine.

"Thank you. Thank you for loving me, for providing for us, for being a great father, for protecting us, for putting your family first. I can not imagine a life without you in it. I love you, Jackson. Always have."

He sighed. I knew he always felt like he had the world on his shoulders, torn between his family and his club. I knew he always had a tough decision to make, "Hearing you say that, coming home to you, it's worth it." He took my hand and kissed it, "I love you, Tara Teller."

* * *

 _(end daydream)_


	8. The Dangers of Being an Old Lady, Part 2

**_So, I_ _'_ _ve decided to change this story up a little bit._**

 ** _I know I intended for this story to only be Tara_ _'_ _s POV of moving back to Charming._**

 ** _But, with her kidnapping by Joshua Kohn, I definitely want to show Jackson_ _'_ _s POV. He always gets so sexy and protective when bad shit happens to Tara, and I feel that it would be wrong to NOT show his point of view._**

 ** _Jax_ _'_ _s POV offers how he heard about the abduction, his first initial thoughts._**

 ** _I_ _'_ _m not sure how often I will showcase Jax_ _'_ _s POV, if I continue to show his POV it will be rare, as this story is about Tara and her POV._**

 ** _I hope you like the change!_**

* * *

In those three years, nothing like this ever happened.

Maybe it was because Jackson wasn't deep in club yet, he had only been done prospecting for a few months when I left. Maybe it was because we were still in high school, and SAMCRO had yet to control his life. Maybe it was the fact that JT was alive- no one dared to harm JT, his family, or SAMCRO unless they wanted a long and bloody war.

No, I realized, a kidnapping of an ex-girlfriend, former Old Lady, it never happened back then, it never would've happened. Times have changed, maybe SAMCRO is growing weaker. Maybe the biker gang world is growing smaller, maybe other clubs are growing and becoming stronger. SAMCRO has had reign over Charming a long time, maybe other clubs believe it's time for the reign to end.

I don't really know why this is happening. I mean I do- I was in the relationship with Josh, I allowed him to hit and beat me, I was the reason he came to Charming, I'm the person he wants. What I don't understand- is why Joshua Kohn wants me. I've never known why anyone wanted me. Maybe it's my Daddy issues that never got resolved, maybe it was the shitty way my relationship with Jax ended, maybe it's because I'm so independent that I learned to never need anyone- and anyone wanting me just becomes a weird ideology that I can never grasp.

I'm not sure of a lot of things these days. I haven't been sure of anything since….. since a long time. Maybe that's why I came home, to become reassured of myself, to take control of my life again.

But I'll be damned if Jax isn't somewhat concerned about me gone missing. What he had 11 eleven years ago, it was real, it was raw. Our relationship, it was more than just a first love, way more than just high school sweetheart bull shit- he and I, we talked about children, the possibility of marriage and whether or not we believe in it, his future with SAMCRO, where we saw our future together. We envisioned our futures together, I know I loved him with my complete heart. And I know Jackson Teller, who many thought was never capable of love and a monogamous relationship, loved me. And I'll be damned if he isn't concerned and worried that someone has taken me against my will.

No matter how bad the ending- you don't forget someone you care about that deeply. You don't stop caring about someone you had deep feelings for, I know deep in his heart, he must still want me safe.

Hell, I saved his life from a GSW, he better want me alive.

* * *

 _Man, I gotta stop drinking this much after church._

My hangovers have only gotten worse with age. You'd think by now my body would be used to excessive drinking, but it only gets worse. _Damn, how does Piney feel? That man carries a bottle of whiskey with him everywhere, just like that damn oxygen tank._

I looked down at my phone that sat on the floor next to me, it was 8 am. _I hope Tara isn't waiting for me, hopefully she's not awake yet._

I made my way to the shower, scrubbing off the sweat and smoke of my body from last night's party.

 _Weird, how after 11 years of thinking about her, she is still the first thing I think about in the morning._

I smiled. What a crazy world this is, her and I, we're becoming friends again. After she left, I thought I'd never see her again. She always hated Charming, held too many bad memories for her. The bad outweighed the good- and when she left, I wasn't sure which column I was in.

The beginning of our relationship had been so fun and so good. But the end, it was toxic and full of distance and kisses with no passion, just lust.

A part of me knew she would always leave, I had never known someone with so much distaste and determination to leave a place before. And the heartbreaking reasoning why she left, I had no idea if I was in the bad or good column I knew she had categorized in her head.

I could never admit it, but I know I put her through hell at the end of our relationship. I had no idea how to juggle being a full member of the club and how to be a good boyfriend. She hated me being in the club- leaving in the middle of the night, heavy drinking every weekend, the amount of biker sluts practically tripled around me once I got patched, the fact that I never graduated from Charming High, not to mention the lies and the secrets.

Before the club, she was the only one I could really share with. Opie was Opie; a guy can only tell his guy friends so much before they start calling him emotional and a pussy. Girls, they really listen to every problem, and just want to be there to every word you say. Before the club, I could tell her all my deepest regrets on Thomas and JT dying, and my future hopes for SAMCRO, and I knew she wouldn't tell a soul, and the advice she gave was never for her benefit. She only wanted me to be happy, no matter how that impacted her.

But once I joined, I couldn't tell her things like I used to. I didn't know how to separate the violence of SAMCRO and my relationship. I didn't know how to separate what I could and couldn't tell her, so I decided to not tell her anything. It would be 4 AM and I would get a call that the club needed me, and I kiss her cheek and be gone. And she'd have to wake up alone, wondering what danger I'd face today.

And back then, I craved it, the danger and the adrenaline; desired it. And I had no idea how much being in the dark was hurting her. Maybe not telling her anything was hurting our relationship more than the truth would. Maybe telling her truth would make her feel more safe, let her know where I was and what I was doing.

Maybe if she ever gave a loser like me a second chance, I could do things different. Maybe I could be smarter. Maybe I'd juggle the two better, maybe I wouldn't be so distant.

It was all "maybe's". There was so much to discuss, talk about… I have no idea where to start.

I mean, could I even go back to that place? Was there anything between us still? Could I really picture us together again? Would it even work? _A lot has changed in 11 years._

I ran my hands through my hair, letting the hot water soak my skin.

-x-

The California heat was blazing- and the layers I had on didn't help. The leather on my kutte was adding so much extra weight, but my kutte is the last thing I would ever take off my body.

Halway across the lot, headed towards my bike, I heard Opie's voice behind me:

"Where ya goin' brother? It's only 8:30 man."

"Just goin' to make up for some old shit, 'n grab some breakfast." It wasn't a total lie.

He nodded and smirked, knowing exactly where I was going. "Tell her I said 'hey'."

"Just trying to get goin' before Gemma gets here." I said, starting up my bike.

"I got ya, brother."

I slightly waved and rode out of the lot. That man always had my back, especially with Gemma. Lord knows how much that she hates Tara. But, I'll never admit that to either woman.

I stopped at Hanna's to grab some of Tara's used-to-be favorite's for breakfast.

Soon enough, I was at her door, shaking like a damn school boy. I don't remember being this nervous the first time around, and I hear I am 31 years old, scared to knock on a girl's door.

 _You_ _'_ _re Jax fucking Teller. You_ _'_ _re a man, you_ _'_ _re a ladies man. Stop being a pussy._

I shook off the nerves - this was Tara and I, this was us, reconnecting, trying to find if that fire that was between us then could be relit now- and I knocked on her door.

With cold food, a sweaty shirt, and a frustrated attitude, I knocked on her door hard- too hard out of anger, and suddenly, the door opened.

The one thing Tara should remember from our relationship was to _always_ lock the door. I had enemies and she was a petite woman who would most likely always be unarmed- and hurting her would be one of the only ways to cause me to react and comply with demands.

I sat the breakfast bag on the living room table and did a quick lap around the house - no sign of Tara. Her car was gone and there was no sign of forced entry? _Where the hell would she go this early in the morning?_

I got out my cell, "Hey Donna, is Tara over there?"

"No, sorry Jax. Everything good?"

"We just had breakfast plans, hangover food you know how it goes. Just let me know if she shows."

"Okay, bye Jax."

I ran my hands through through my hair, a stress reliever. Excluding Donna and I, she didn't know or like anyone else in Charming, there was no one else to see.

I checked the house one last time before leaving, and that's when I saw all of her makeup still in the bathroom, and her purse on the floor, and clothes all over the bed. Something wasn't right. If she was going somewhere she'd need her purse, how else would she pay? And if I know one thing about women, it's that they always take some kind of makeup with them. No, this wasn't right.

This room was too messy, this isn't Tara. She hates messes, she hates clothes lying on the floor and bed.

The unlocked door, the messy room, the purse left behind, the kitchen still a mess from breakfast..which I was supposed to bring over- she was leaving in a hurry.

 _Shit._

"Ope, you gotta get down to Tara's now. She's gone. That son of a bitch ATF agent was here." I yelled into my cell.

I started pacing. Who knows how long ago they left. How long was that ATF bitch in this house? He took her, and I have no information. The fucker is psychotic, who knows what he'll do to her.

-x-

"I came over last night to check on her, she was already kinda drunk so I offered to bring breakfast in the morning. I got here and the door was unlocked, the house was a mess which isn't her style, her car was missing but her purse was still inside." I re-told the story.

"Alright, son. We'll find her, the guy couldn't have gotten far. Everyone knows her car, someone will recognize it." Clay said. After I called Opie, he called Clay and had the guys meet at her house.

I guess they knew I wouldn't be able to focus on the new gun deal until I knew she was safe- relationship or not. SAMCRO doesn't let women be abducted in Charming, that shit doesn't happen here.

"Call Unser, have him run the plates and call an APB." I suggested and saw Juice get out his cell- just another perk of having the Sheriff on our payroll. _God Bless that old man._

SAMCRO had already been inside her house for an hour without any new information. My stress level hasn't been this high since Abel's first surgery. I guess I'm not a patient man, but given the circumstances. I had begun pacing the floor.

With Juice and Piney outside and Clay and Tig visiting Unser at the police station, it was just Chibs, Bobby and Opie inside her house with me.

"Brother, you gotta calm down."

"He could be fucking killing her right now. I don't have time for calm." I yelled back at Bobby. I love the man, but saying shit like that never works.

I'm all she has in this town. And if that bitch boy really is ATF, she can't trust the cops to help.

"Jackie Boy, sit down and think of everything she told you about him. You just gotta think, brother."

I nodded, "Yeah, you're right."

I ran my fingers through my long, shaggy hair again - now more by instinct and habit rather than thought. Our conversations since she's been back mostly revolve around Abel and work - maybe we're both avoiding the conversations we need to have. Even if this guy is more dangerous than he led on, Tara never would've told me about him. Hell, it took her practically six months to tell me about her dad- even though the whole town knew. And we were dating then, we haven't talked in 11 years or more. There is no way she would've shared close information like that with me. She always good at keeping secrets. _Damn it, Teller._

The last time we talked before last night was I think at the clubhouse, at a party. And that had nothing do to with this asshole. The last time we talked sober was at the hospital, I was seeing Abel. And she was talking to Hale. And then she asked for a ride home, and we talked in her living room.

"Jesus Christ." My brothers turned toward me, waiting for me to share whatever information I remembered.

"He followed us, when we went up to see Jury. The fucker was there, took pictures of me and then sent them to her. She thought he was trying to scare her into going back to Chicago."

I couldn't sit anymore, I started to pace again. "She told me he hated the crow, demanded he know who it was for. He knew who we were before he even got here. Wait, she said that she didn't even know he was here, which means that son of a bitch was stalking her."

"Jesus Christ." Was Opie's only reaction.

I was ready to punch a hole through her wall. "You said he wants to scare her into going back to Chicago? That's probably where they met. What if that's where he's gonna take her?" Bobby suggested, putting the pieces together.

I couldn't contain my anger any longer, if this fucker lays one finger on her, "I'm gonna fucking kill him." I yelled, running outside of the house towards my bike.

-x-

"Jax, Hale was in her house looking for clues and he found this. I convinced him to give it to us instead of putting it in evidence." I gave Juice a confused look, "She left a note, she told us where to find her." My head perked right up.

 _He found me. He snuck in the house last night. He_ _'_ _s taking me somewhere. He wants to go back to Chicago._

 _I_ _'_ _m tied, then a_ _"_ _safe_ _"_ _place for me._

 _He_ _'_ _s going to put SAMCRO behind bars._

We were in the chapel, figuring out our next move. "Bobby was right, that fucker is trying to take her all the way back to Chicago." I gritted through my teeth.

I passed the note to Clay, "She's getting kidnapped and she still warns you that he's going to try and hurt the club. Talk about a keeper, Jax."

If anger and rage wasn't spread throughout my body, I would've laughed.

"Juice, what the hell is he going to try and hurt us with?" I heard Clay ask/demand information.

"I'll call Unser." I heard the door close but I didn't look up.

It was time they knew as much truth as I did: "This fucker isn't who he says he is. She didn't tell me much about him, but I know he's a dick. She said he would get protective about my crow on her back. Put two and two together, boys. " I took a long drag of my cigarette. I don't know what she meant by ' _protective_ _'_ but I know it ain't pretty. And she better know that once all this shit is over she's going to tell me every psychotic thing he did to her.

"What are ya saying?" I heard Chibs say.

"I'm saying this dick stalked her here from Chicago. She told me he's trying to scare her away from me, back to Chicago. He's not here about us running guns, he came here for her. He fucking followed us up to see Jury. I've seen him in Abel's room at St. Thomas. I'm saying we don't know what he's capable of." I needed another smoke.

"You think he's the reason she came back?" Opie asked.

"Probably. And if she came here to run away from him, then we have no idea what he's gonna do to her."

My body was here, inside the chapel, but my mind was elsewhere.

All this shit was bringing back old memories, ones I always regretted- never forgave myself for.

—-

(flashback)

 _The spring of_ _'_ _96, we were just kids then - or at least she was. I was already a prospect of SAMCRO, just a month away from my full member patch. I could feel it in my bones. Clay was allowing me to go on runs with the guys and sit in on meetings with the Irish. I had my bike, my girl, and my bottom rocker in reach - I don_ _'_ _t think I was ever happier._

 _There was another Friday night rager at the clubhouse, but neither of us wanted to stay. Once our new president Clay and his new VP, Otto, were drunk enough, I grabbed Tara and rode away on my bike._

 _The parties were always fun, but with all the noise and people, there wasn_ _'_ _t any space to really just be with my girl. There would be another party next Friday, no one would miss us this once. I knew she craved the freedom of the open road just as much as I did - another reason to love her._

 _She pulled me aside and whispered in my ear,_ _"_ _Take me away from here, baby. Let_ _'_ _s just go._ _"_

 _Without any destination in mind, I just grabbed my keys and her hand led her outside toward the lot._

 _Yeah, we had sex, but on my bike her body pressed so closely against mine with her arms wrapped tightly wrapped around my lower chest and stomach, the scent of her shampoo inches away from my face - that was when we were the most intimate. It was just us and the open road guided by the moonlight. Usually the rides ended with a beer back at my house or hers and then a relaxing sleepover - and I never had any complaints._

 _But, I should_ _'_ _ve been playing closer attention. I was distracted. She was turning me on, just by wrapping her arms around me and I was too focused on the winding road to see the two motorcycles a few miles back. I should_ _'_ _ve known better._

 _With all of SAMCRO hammered, the Prince (which I hate to be called by anyone other than Tara because it_ _'_ _s just a fucking way to rattle me) was alone and vulnerable. They probably didn_ _'_ _t know I had a woman with me - but just because we don_ _'_ _t hurt women and children, doesn_ _'_ _t mean other clubs don_ _'_ _t._

 _I turned off the road to park my biker so her and I could sit, and that_ _'_ _s when I heard the roar. I knew we were fucked. Clay was in a deep war with the Mayans, and if they want they could kill me right now._

 _I looked around to find a quick hiding place for Tara, but we were in a grassy field - all trees were cleared. I tried to hide her body with mine. I reached for my gun, resting on the back seem of jeans. Whoever this was, following me, would not kill me without a fight._

 _I heard her whispering, asking me what the hell was going on and why I got out my gun. I didn_ _'_ _t have time to tell her the truth, nor did I want to. How do you tell your girlfriend that men are coming to try and kill me- for revenge. I couldn_ _'_ _t let her down, break her heart. I_ _'_ _ve been lying about the club since I got my prospect patch, only telling her half-truths. I wasn_ _'_ _t going to start with the truth now, it could wait._

" _Just stand behind me and don_ _'_ _t talk. I_ _'_ _ll tell you everything later babe, I promise._ _"_

 _The two bikes were right in front of us now, their guns already drawn. I wasn_ _'_ _t in their territory, they shouldn_ _'_ _t be here- but there really weren_ _'_ _t rules in then outlaw world. That was the whole point of the outlaw world. Respect was earned, not given - and I hadn_ _'_ _t earned the respect of anyone yet. And these assholes were just out to prove that they could kill the Prince of SAMCRO._

" _Ese, look what he have here. The pretty prince of SAMCRO, oh and he_ _'_ _s with his princess? Two for one. This is a surprise._ _"_ _The first Mayan said to the other. They were young, new - trying to prove themselves to their club. I get it - but Tara didn_ _'_ _t. She didn_ _'_ _t deserve to have a gun pointed at her._

" _You want me? Then take me. But if you touch her, I will fucking kill you and every person in your fucking club._ _"_

 _They laughed. I could hear Tara_ _'_ _s breathing quickened, I knew exactly what she was thinking: What sick bastard laughs at a man defending his girlfriend? Because I was thinking the same thing, too._

" _And who says you_ _'_ _ll be alive to stop me?_ _"_ _The Mayan said again, this time pointing the gun at her head, which was peeking out from behind my back._

" _You kill me, you_ _'_ _ll have SAMCRO and every other fucking charter we have looking for you. They won_ _'_ _t stop at you, they will kill every member in your pathetic club and every person that you even fucking care about. The Mayans will just be a funny story we laugh about. You want that, ese?_ _"_ _I yelled._

" _Not if we kill yours first. Tonight is another wild SAMCRO party, right? They would have no idea that we were even coming. They_ _'_ _d all be dead before you could even call your stupid step-daddy president and warn them._

 _The second Mayan started to speak,_ _"_ _So here_ _'_ _s how this little party of our own is gonna work._ _"_ _He pointed his gun at Tara_ _'_ _s head, causing me to lose my shit._ _"_ _We_ _'_ _re gonna kill your pretty Old Lady here first. She is your Old Lady, righjt? I heard that the prince took a princess. She_ _'_ _s a pretty one, Jackson. And we are going to make you watch, that_ _'_ _ll be real fucking funny. And then, we_ _'_ _ll kill you._ _"_

 _I pushed Tara behind me even more, hiding her from the next moves. I gritted though my teeth, my rage filling my body,_ _"_ _If you fucking touch her, I will rip your fucking heads off and personally deliver them to your fucking club._ _"_

" _Oh yeah, pretty boy? And how are you gonna stop me? What are you gonna do?_ _"_ _The first one said, teasing._

" _I_ _'_ _m gonna shoot this loser in his leg,_ _"_ _I pointed my gun to the second Mayan,_ _"_ _and then, I_ _'_ _m gonna shoot you right in the chest._ _"_

 _One bullet left my gun, hitting the second Mayan in his right leg. He fell to the dirt, screaming in pain._

 _I saw the Mayan_ _'_ _s face change when he saw that I don't bluff- not when it comes to Tara_ _'_ _s life._

 _I then pointed the gun at the first Mayan,_ _"_ _Your turn._ _"_ _I licked my lips and a smile came over my face._

 _And just my squeezing my finger on the trigger, he was dead. I let go of Tara_ _'_ _s hand, kissed it and walked toward the dead Mayan._ _"_ _I told you not to mess with my girl._ _"_

 _I looked back at her, wanting to smile and cry. This was club life, this was how we dealt with threats. I had no choice, I had to defend her- defend her life. Defending her, means she has to watch a man die- because of me._

 _She was freaking out, I knew she wanted to scream._

 _I walked over to the second Mayan who was bleeding out._ _"_ _This is for thinking you could hurt SAMCRO._ _"_

 _Another bullet left my gun, and went through the Mayan_ _'_ _s chest. I saw his eyes go cold, I heard him take his last breath. I saw his life end._

 _And so did Tara._

 _She was crying now. She just witnessed two murders, she could go to jail for this._

" _Oh..my..God._ _"_ _She breathed out._

" _Babe, I_ _'_ _m so sorry. You shouldn_ _'_ _t have to see this. You don_ _'_ _t deserve this shit. I_ _'_ _m sorry, Tara. I didn_ _'_ _t plan any of this. I hate this part of the club, I do. But when they talked about you, it was twisting me up inside, ya know? I just couldn_ _'_ _t take it. I_ _'_ _m sorry._ _"_

 _I tried to hold her, bring her close, to try and console her, but she pushed me away._ _"_ _You just killed two people, Jax! you just took two lives. Two people are dead because of you! What the fuck._ _"_

" _You think I don_ _'_ _t know that? You think I like killing people? You think I want to do this? You think killing a person is easy for me, that looking into a man_ _'_ _s eyes and watching him die doesn_ _'_ _t haunt me every night? I hate this Tara, I hate all of it. But it_ _'_ _s what I signed up for. I can_ _'_ _t go back. I know it doesn_ _'_ _t make up for anything, but they were going to kill you- I had no choice._ _"_

" _Do you want me to thank you for killing two men?_ _"_

 _I ran my hands through my long hair. Stressed. I had no idea how to answer that._

" _No, I don_ _'_ _t._ _"_ _I took a deep breath,_ _"_ _Look, I know you didn_ _'_ _t sign up for this shit. I know you don_ _'_ _t deserve this shit, okay. Being with me means bad shit is going to happen, so if you want to walk away right now, you can. I promise this will never blow back on you. I_ _'_ _ve been trying to keep this club out of our relationship, to stop shit like this from you- and I_ _'_ _m sorry._ _"_

 _She looked down, moving her foot in the dirt._ _"_ _I don_ _'_ _t know what to do, Jax. I love you, and I just can_ _'_ _t turn that off. I_ _'_ _m supposed to be running away from you, running as fucking far away as I can. I should be going to the cops, I should be breaking up with you. And right now, I kinda want to. I mean, killing someone is kinda a reason to break up with someone. And I don_ _'_ _t know how I_ _'_ _m supposed to get over this, how to live with this secret._ _"_ _She looked over at the two dead men, just a few feet from us._

 _I got out a smoke and lit it, waiting for the really bad shit to happen._ _"_ _I_ _'_ _m sorry that being with me led you to this. You were never supposed to know about this, the life._ _"_

" _I want you, Jax. I want us. I want my future to be with you. But I don_ _'_ _t know the club, and dead bikers, fits into that future._ _"_

" _I know._ _"_ _I agreed with her._

" _Can you take me home? I-I-I need to be alone right now._ _"_

 _I nodded,_ _"_ _Yeah._ _"_

 _She walked over to my bike while I started to clean up the mess of two dead bikers. I called Clay, knowing this truth bomb would sober him up. With Tig and Bobby on there wait out here with the two truck, I could take her home. I knew once she was she home, that our relationship was over. That we were saying good-bye. Sometimes, people are just too opposite._

" _Thanks._ _"_ _She mumbled, taking off the helmet._

 _I gently took her hand,_ _"_ _Call me when you_ _'_ _re ready to talk. I will tell you every truth you want to hear._ _"_

 _She nodded._ _"_ _I_ _'_ _m sorry this is blowing back on you. I_ _'_ _m sorry that you_ _'_ _re involved. I_ _'_ _m just- I_ _'_ _m sorry._ _"_

 _With one single tear strolling down her face,_ _"_ _Bye, Jackson._ _"_ _She kissed my cheek and then walked away._

-x-

 _It took three weeks, but she finally called._

 _It was hard- we weren_ _'_ _t together, but we never really broke up. She needed space, space to think without me. And maybe I needed space too._

 _She was better than the club- murders, threats, felons, - she deserved a life better than this. I didn_ _'_ _t deserve her. Was being with me holding her back? What if being with me lead to her death?_

 _We met at the park, sitting on a random bench._ _"_ _I want every truth. I want to know everything. You know I_ _'_ _m not a rat, or else you_ _'_ _d already be locked up._ _"_ _She demanded, and I couldn_ _'_ _t blame her. After all the shit I_ _'_ _ve put her this, she deserves to know the truth._

 _I nodded, and began. I tried to avoid every gross detail that I could. Telling her the truth was one thing, but going into the bloody details wouldn_ _'_ _t help. Those bloody details kept me up at night, God knows what they'd do to her._

" _Jax, I need the truth. I need it and I need all of it. It_ _'_ _s the only way I_ _'_ _ll know if I can do this._ _"_

 _I nodded, knowing she was right. So when she asked how many, I told the truth and said five men have died because I pulled the trigger. When she asked what SAMCRO really is, I told the truth and said a club that run illegal guns to other clubs. When she asked about the few guys that went missing last month, I told the truth and said they were hit-men who tried to kill Clay- so we took care of it. When she asked about the club runs I_ _'_ _ve gone on, I told her the truth and said that_ _'_ _s how we run the guns across county and state lines. When she asked about jail time, I told her the truth and said that me going to jail will probably happen sooner or later. When she asked about other women, I told her the truth and said that their hadn_ _'_ _t been any other women since the first time we went out. When she asked how I handle with the death, I told her the truth and said_ _"_ _You._ _"_

 _When she asked me to explain, I told her the truth and said,_ _"_ _You_ _'_ _re like my moral compass. You keep me straight lined. You_ _'_ _re the one thing that_ _'_ _s good in my life. And when the club gets in ugly shit, and I remember all the bad shit I_ _'_ _ve done, I try to think of you._ _"_

 _It was a long time before she responded._ _"_ _I wish loving you was simpler. I wish our lives were simpler. But they aren_ _'_ _t._ _"_

" _I know, me too._ _"_ _I nodded._

 _There was an ever longer break._ _"_ _You know, I_ _'_ _ve been wishing that we never met. That we never laid eyes on each other, I wish we never met._ _"_

 _I picked my head up and looked into her sad eyes, wondering where she was taking this._

" _I can_ _'_ _t tell you how hard it_ _'_ _s been being dragged into this, my friends wondering why I_ _'_ _ve been depressed the last three weeks. People harassed, even killed because of me. Sometimes I wish I had never laid on eyes on you, because of them. Because they might be alive today if wasn_ _'_ _t for me, maybe.. I don_ _'_ _t know. I_ _'_ _ve worked very hard to build myself, Jax. School, my grades, that_ _'_ _s all I_ _'_ _ve worked for in my entire life. It_ _'_ _s something I_ _'_ _m proud of, and it_ _'_ _s something that could all go away_ _…_ _because I laid eyes on you. If I had never laid eyes on you, then I never would have fallen in love. You never would have fallen in love. And maybe if we had never met, that would_ _'_ _ve made for two more lonely people in this world, but a lot less pain and heartache. Is the love of two people worth all of this destruction, Jax? Are we worth this? If it was a choice.., who would choose this kind of love? So, I wish we never met, but we did._ _"_

 _She was crying. Her heart was breaking and so was mine._

" _I tried, I tried so hard these last three weeks and failed and failed again convincing myself that I didn_ _'_ _t love you, trying to hide my feelings, trying to hide what happened. But I couldn_ _'_ _t. I_ _'_ _ve been hating myself these last three weeks. And now, I_ _'_ _m admitting my own truth, admitting my faults. Don_ _'_ _t ask me to fall out of love with you Jackson Teller, because if I could I would._ _"_

 _I brought her in close, and hugged her so tight I could feel her heart beating against my skin. She was always so selfless, always thinking of others and how she impacted them. And even now, how us being together has impacted so many. Through the tears I could hear her speak:_

" _There are mothers and fathers and children weeping, grieving because of us. Because of what we did. They are mourning someone they loved just because we_ _'_ _re together._ _"_

" _Because of me. You didn_ _'_ _t do anything Tara, this was me._ _"_ _I ran my fingers along her hair, trying to soothe her._

" _If I could take your pain away, I would. I_ _'_ _m sorry, babe._ _"_ _I said._

 _She whispered,_ _"_ _Tell me you love me._ _"_

" _Tara Knowles, I love you. I love you so much._ _"_

 _It was a few minutes before she spoke again,_ _"_ _Do you think it_ _'_ _ll ever get better?_ _"_

" _I hope so, I_ _'_ _m really hoping so._ _"_ _I couldn_ _'_ _t lie to her, not about this._

 _I spoke again,_ _"_ _I wish I had all the answers, Tara. I wish this never happened, but it did. And if I could take all of this from you, I would. I promise none of my bullshit will ever land on you._ _"_

" _I can_ _'_ _t promise that shit like this won_ _'_ _t happen again, because that_ _'_ _s my life, that_ _'_ _s the club. I won_ _'_ _t lie to you, babe. But, I promise that no one will ever hurt you. No one will ever touch you or hurt you. I will always protect you, Tara. I love you._ _"_

—

If only life was simpler. If only I could keep my promises.

* * *

To Be Continued...


	9. The Dangers of Being an Old Lady, Part 3

"You don't always have to play the hero, son." Gemma said, in her cool mix of comforting and condensing tones.

He didn't know how to respond- he knew that Gemma hated her..but did she really want her to be abducted by a stalker ex-boyfriend? Did she really want that for her, just because she wanted him to reach his potential?

He mumbled, "Yeah, I know." He nodded, trying to convince himself that his mother was right.

But Gemma Teller wasn't fooled. She saw right through his lies- just like always. She knew her son, and she knew who had his heart.

"This isn't on you, Jackson. I know what you're doing. You're blaming yourself, stop it. That bitch doesn't deserve you, or the club's help. She's not loyal, Jackson, and those bitches can never be trusted."

He looked over at his mother, watching her take a long drag of her cigarette, wondering how the hell this woman was ever given the chance to reproduce.

"What the hell are you talking about?" He yelled.

All Gemma did was give him her side-eye nasty bitch look. If there was one thing Gemma Teller hated in this world, more than the girl who broke her baby's heart, it was being yelled at and people questioning her motives.

When she never spoke, her son continued to talk.

"Just because we aren't together doesn't mean I shouldn't help her- we shouldn't help her."

She shook her head, wondering when her son was finally going to understand…

"She left you, broke your heart, almost ruined this club your father built for you.. that _bitch_ is not loyal to you and she can not be trusted."

Her son was fuming now, a level of anger that she hadn't seen since his ex-wife almost killed his son due to her stupid addiction to crank.

"Your grandson wouldn't be fucking breathing right now if wasn't for her. So stop calling her a bitch. She left me to become a doctor. And you need to get over that, I did."

He took out a pack of cigarettes, "And that bitch you love to hate, is more loyal to me than I ever was to her. That _bitch_ has been there for me more than you ever have. She's not the one who left me."

He was stressed. The emotions of Tara being abducted had finally hit Jackson. All the anger, love, worry, curiosity.. it was all hitting him now, causing him to admit the truth.

"I pushed her to leave. The minute I got this kutte, I pushed her out. So stop fucking blaming her for my mistakes." He ran his hands through his hair, finally coming to terms with how the relationship ended eleven years ago.

"I was a shitty boyfriend, ma. She was always there for me, supporting me through all my bullshit. If you want to hate her, go ahead, just don't hate her for leaving. I'm the reason she left, I broke her heart, too."

He took a long drag of his cigarette, thinking of his next move.

He quickly glanced at his mother, wondering what she was thinking. She raised him to be aware of his emotions, to learn how to handle them.

"What are you doing, Jackson?" She slowly shook her head. The one thing she never wanted her son to be was pussy-whipped.

"I'm just owning my part, taking some of the blame. You wanted be to a man, ma."

He kissed his mother on the cheek, tossed the butt of his cigarette on the pavement, and slowly approached his bike.

* * *

He was in the middle of the clubhouse, slowly smoking a cigarette. He had no clue where the ATF agent had taken Tara, but his brothers were doing all they could. He knew all he could do was wait. He just fucking hated this part.

Opie told him to go home and take a shower and try to sleep but they both knew that taking time to sleep wasn't going to happen. Opie knew how he was feeling, maybe it was because their friendship went so far back, or maybe it's because they were so in sync, but he just understood Jackson.

So, here he sat, sitting at a table inside the clubhouse smoking a cigarette wondering how the hell is life got so damn complicated.

The girl he always loved has finally come back to him, and his crazy drug addict of an ex-wife just had his baby. He never knew if he really wanted kids. He and Tara had talked about it a few times back in their prime teenage days, but he never knew if he was just saying he wanted kids because she wanted kids. Part of him hating growing up around a motorcycle club, and he knew he didn't want his son doing the same things he used to do. He began to question if he could raise a family with the family he's chosen among his brothers.

"Jax, Unser's goody-too-shoes deputy just called us. He said an anonymous source just rented an old warehouse ten miles outside of Lodi for a week." Jax perked his head up at the sound of Bobby's voice.

And, then Juice decided to open his moronic mouth, "Didn't Tara's note say she was going to a 'safe' place? Do you think this is it?" We all rolled our eyes at the fact that he was just now understanding what the rest of us already got.

"Yeah," Jax paused, "we do."

He heard Opie try to contain a laugh, "C'mon man," he walked and slapped his back once, "let's go get her back."

* * *

He and Opie took control of the front of the warehouse, with Happy and Tig sneaking through the back entrance. Juice had driven the van up to Lodi just in case the son of a bitch was there, so the Sons could take him back to their clubhouse.

He smiled at the thought of what he would be doing the screwed up psychopath later. Normally thoughts filled with that much violence would scare him, but tonight, all he wanted to do was put a bullet through his head.

Ever since his son was born, he was actually trying to live up to a new SAMCRO phrase of "Brains before Bullets" - trying to think with his head, plan things out, to not be reactive. He had another person's future to think about now, he couldn't be killed just because of his egotistical pride.

But, right now, he could not care less about putting his brain before bullets. He would hurt every person in his way if Tara was hurt. _He couldn_ _'_ _t decide if this rage was because of strong feelings that he still had for her, or if this rage was because that only woman he_ _'_ _s ever really cared about, the person who was truly loyal to him was in danger._ But he decided to save those pussy questions for later, they didn't matter now.

The sound of boots knocking down a door distracted him from his thoughts. He had to take second to mentally prepare himself for what may be in the house - a hurt or dead Tara, something he never wanted or wished to happen.

He had his gun held out in front of him, ready to shoot the ATF agent with no hesitation.

Only, he wasn't there.  
No one was there. It was empty.

"What the fuck? Where the hell is he?" He yelled, wishing he had something to punch at this moment.

He brought out a cigarette, hoping it would soothe his frustration. After a minute, the cigarette slowly decreased to just the butt. And then Happy came from the lower level of the warehouse.

"I found a staircase, thinking it was a bathroom. There's a chair with chains attached to it and a bed pan next to it. They were definitely here."

They all followed Happy down to the basement, "Guy is definitely a freak." Coming from Tig, that meant something.

The group stood in a circle outside, wondering aloud what the next step would be:

"Leave the prospects hidden outside, if this fucker comes back I want to know. I need Juice to check his bank account for any withdrawals or if he used his card to buy two plane tickets. This fucker is not leaving our town alive." Jax pulled out another cigarette, lit it, and then slowly walked towards his bike, already thinking of the ways he would torture Joshua Kohn.

* * *

He was visiting the kid, hoping it would calm him.

Whenever he saw his son, his world always became a little more peaceful. That was one reason why he would always be thankful for his son. His world also became a little more simple with Abel. Things became more black and white- having his world as black and white made it easier for him to make decisions. And lately, all of his decisions were based on the future of Abel.

He was leaning back in the chair, staring at his son who was now five pounds. He was trying to distract himself from the hell-ish world that exists for him outside of these walls in the hospital.

He thought back to the time when he was visiting Abel and Tara came to check on him.

 _I was sitting in this exact chair. I was reading some papers from the Sons lawyer and talking aloud to Abel, letting him know how this world is filled with bullshit. That_ _'_ _s when she walked through the door._

" _Oh, hey. Sorry I didn_ _'_ _t know you were here. I can come back._ _"_ _She blushed and looked down to avoid any eye contact._

" _Stay._ _"_ _I smiled._

 _I watched her walk over to the back of the room where all the medical machines were. Watching her read and understand what all those numbers meant made me so proud. I always knew she was smart, way smarter than anyone at our crappy high school. But to see her here, saving lives - saving the life of my son - I was so proud of her. Damn._

" _I didn_ _'_ _t know you still had to check on him._ _"_

" _I don_ _'_ _t- I mean he_ _'_ _s not on my service anymore. I just like to come and check on him sometimes. Sit with him._ _"_ _She was picking at her nails._ _"_ _I hope you don_ _'_ _t mind._ _"_

 _I shook my head,_ _"_ _Nah, no it_ _'_ _s fine. I_ _'_ _m glad he has someone in his corner. Someone watchin_ _'_ _out for him._ _"_

" _Sometimes I bring paperwork, listen to him breathe and sit in silence. Probably the best place to get work done in here._ _"_

" _I appreciate you lookin_ _'_ _out for him, Tara. Really, thank you._ _"_

" _It_ _'_ _s no problem, Jax. Everything here looks fine, growing stronger everyday. He should get out of this thing soon._ _"_ _I looked at her genuine smile, and couldn_ _'_ _t help but smile, too. She started to walk back towards the door._

" _All thanks to you. Hey, Doc do you wanna stay? You don_ _'_ _t have to leave just because of me._ _"_

" _No, it_ _'_ _s fine. I have patients to check on. This is your time with him. He should be with his dad._ _"_ _She started to walk thought the door and then paused,_ _"_ _I_ _'_ _ll see you around, Jackson._ _"_

 _The power she didn_ _'_ _t even knew she had.._

The way she watched over him, even when she wasn't obligated. He had no real way to thank her for saving his son's life.

And to think how quickly life had changed in the past two weeks. They were finally becoming friends again. He was finally showing her that she could trust me again.

And then she gets kidnapped.  
After he told her that he would protect her.  
He closed his eyes, a way to let go of the anger.

The door suddenly opened, and for a split second he hoped that it was her.

"Jackson, baby, they think they found her." Up until this moment, he had never seen his mother seem so worried about Tara.

He ran his hands through his hair - a stress mechanism.

"Holy shit. Let's go." He started to run out of the hospital.

* * *

He and his brothers were riding out towards the outskirts of town, the complete opposite from where they searched two days prior.

The men had figured out that the first warehouse was a decoy, to distract them from finding Tara.

She had been gone now for almost a week. Growing with more worry and anger daily, Jax was dealing with her being gone by smoking at least three packs of cigarettes a day. The stress of not finding Tara, when he knew that she was in his town, made him more angry than he had ever been. And the stress of Jax being stressed made Gemma stress, which made Clay stress. It was an endless cycle of stress and short tempers that wouldn't end until Tara was found. And no one was more upset about that fact but Gemma.

Tensions were running high, and the amount of anger that was running through SAMCRO was even higher.

Eight of them were a few hundred feet from the warehouse. They knew they had the right place this time, thanks to Unser and his goody-good deputy, Hall.

The men already had their weapons out, ready to kick down doors.

"Hey! Kohn is mine. No one gets to shoot him but me. Brothers, I promise to explain everything once we get her back." Jackson said, and then started to quietly job towards the back entrance of the warehouse.

He stood behind Tig as he shot he doorknob of the metal door.

He was the first one to enter the building, gun aimed ready to shoot anyone that tried to attack. He heard his brothers walk left and right behind him. But, he went straight- call it his gut feeling, but he knew that he would find her by going straight.

There were signs that Joshua Kohn had been here: two beat up mattresses, water bottles on the ground, his nerdy button-down shirts were folded neatly on the ground, and police records on not only Jax, but Tara as well.

"What the fuck?" Jackson yelled.

He heard screaming. He threw the files on the ground, one of his brothers could pick it up later.

As he turned a corner, he immediately stopped.

What he saw next, he knew he would never forget.

Tara was tied to an old chair by her wrists and feet, and Joshua Kohn had one gun pointed at her head, and another pointed right at Jackson's chest.

"I was wondering when you'd find us, Teller."

"Let her go, dickhead."

"Why would I do that? So she can go running back to you? No. We're together now, we're happy." Koh said through his teeth.

"She doesn't want to be with you! You have her fucking tied to a chair? Who would want that?"

"It's stop people like _you_ from hurting her. She is not with you, Teller. I will not let my woman be one of those whores who rides on the back of motorcycles."

"She and I, aren't together, shithead. I'm just here being a good friend. See, my brothers and I, were good people like that. It's people like _you_ that kidnap and torture women. Let. Her. Go." This time it was said with more force and anger.

He stepped forward.

"One more step and I'll fucking kill her."

Jackson backed away. He refused to let her die at the hand of an idiotic and psychotic ATF dick.

"One more threat against her and I'll fucking kill you."

"Are you threatening a federal agent? That's six months in county."

"I'm threatening you. Kidnapping a woman, you'll be right there beside me. Hope they taught you how to suck dick in ATF school."

Jax's famous smirk came across his face as he talked. Kohn's face showed all of his fears, and with Jax knowing he had the upperhand, he smiled.

"I don't care what you do to me. I will not let my Tara become a biker slut!" He yelled in Jax's face.

They heard metal moving behind them, which distracted Kohn for just a second.

Jax shot him once in the chest. "She is not a whore!"

"I'm sorry, Tar-bear." Joshua Kohn whispered as his last breath exhaled from his body.

He looked over at Tara, and really saw her for the first time. She had bruises on her face, a few scratches on her arms, maybe worse under her clothing. But, she was alive. And that was all that mattered to Jax.

He ran to her and crouched down, "I'm sorry you had to watch that. I'm sorry for all of it."

That's when she started to cry. Jackson cut the ropes that bound her limbs and carried her safely out of the warehouse as his brothers took care of the body of Joshua Kohn, as Tara cried into his chest.

"You're safe now, Tara. It's okay." He repeated those words hundreds of times as they sat in the van towards St. Thomas. And he would never tire of saying those words because to Jax Teller those were the only words that mattered to him.

 _You're safe now, Tara._

* * *

 _ **Writing the adventure of Tara being kidnapped was so fun. I always felt that storyline always ended too quickly on the show. I hope you liked. I'm not very good at writing thrilling scenes!**_

 _ **The next chapter is going to be soooo good. I don't wanna spoil anything, but secrets are revealed!**_


	10. Chp 6: Teller Baby & Other Secrets

_**This..was one of my favorite chapters to write. Finally, some truth and honesty is shared between the two. I always felt that the real parts of Jax & Tara's relationship wasn't shared on the show. We only got to see bits and pieces, hopefully this shows more of their relationship. **_

_**Enjoy, read & review!**_

* * *

It's been a week since that horrible and terrifying day.

The day Jackson rescued me, the day I watched my ex-boyfriend die, the day I realized how abusive he really was.

I should be seeing a therapist. But I'm not, I can't, I won't see one.

One) Telling some random shrink about my abusive ex-boyfriend and recent kidnapping would not only involve the police, but start an investigation about his body.  
Two) I have no idea where his body is. I never want to know.  
Three) The disappearance of Joshua Kohn's body would immediately point to SAMCRO and Jax.

Four) I've never talked to anyone seriously about Kohn and our 'relationship'. I've never processed what I went through because of him, the abortion, the abuse, the lies, the stalking, the fear. I knew that wasn't normal for a loving relationship, but I also wasn't strong enough to walk away. I was so fragile, so weak, when he and I first met. Maybe I needed his 'love' or his version of it; I was too weak to stand up for myself. I thought that the was love I deserved. It didn't take too long after the serious bruises appeared on my stomach and thighs to realize that my boyfriend was psychotic and would kill me one day.

The day I decided to run for the first time, was probably the strongest I had been in my entire life. That was the day I realized that I deserved so much more than what this man was offering me.

And, I don't think I'm ready to tell that to a judgement prick of a therapist.

Although, I didn't really have a choice.

He would never make me talk, especially when it's about something this serious and personal. But, he does know what's good for me.

Two days after he rescued me from Joshua Kohn's death chair, he was at my house. He has been staying the night, on the couch, making sure I don't have nightmares. _My Jackson, always so sweet._

I was having an anxiety attack because the milk was all gone. When I started hyperventilating, that's when Jax realized that there were so many issues beyond what he knew.

"That's it, Tara. Either you tell me what the hell is going on with you, or you go to talk some professional."

I remember he was pacing my living room floor, stressed beyond belief. He had no way of knowing how to help me relax or how to help.

And, he was right. Maybe I should talk to someone. And he deserves the truth, why not talk to him?

"Ok, okay. I'll talk, okay. But, not right now. I need a shower."

He nodded his head in defeat.

* * *

So, here we are, a week since that God-awful day of the death of Joshua Kohn.

I didn't want to tell Jax about the nightmares. He saved me. I don't want him to know that I've been re-living the moment when Jackson shot Joshua every night when I lie down to sleep. I don't him to know that every time I see a police officer, my heart starts racing thinking that they know what really happened in that warehouse. He has enough to worry about.

I don't want him to worry about my problems. But he wants to know, and in some weird way.. I think he deserves to know.

So, here we are, in his house.

I was watching Abel for a few hours while he went to church at SAMCRO. I was happy to be honest, I had missed visiting this little angel at work.

Abel was able to come home from the hospital just a few days ago. Luckily my nightmare with Joshua had already ended and now Jax could focus solely on his new son. I don't think I've ever been happier for my ex-boyfriend. He may say he's scared to be a parent, but I know that he'll make a great father.

Gemma threw a great homecoming party at Jax's house just two days ago. It was probably the calmest SAMCRO party that has ever been thrown. There were kids running around in the backyard, there were zero strippers, zero drugs, it was more kid-friendly than adult-friendly.

Abel was a little fussy so I was rocking him in my arms, trying to calm him down. A few minutes later, the cries finally ended and he started to fall asleep. I heard his rhythmic breaths and knew that this little God-sent gift had finally fallen asleep.

I paced the floor, continuing to rock him in my arms, staring at him, when Jax came home.

He immediately looked at me as he passed the threshold, coming inside the door. This was the first time in a long time that I couldn't read his face, I couldn't understand what he was thinking, what he was feeling.

He took a deep breath, "Hey."

"Hey."

I didn't know what else to say.

He kissed Abel lightly on his forehead, and then kissed mine.

It was almost like this was our life, raising a son together, him coming home to me. It was almost perfect.  
 _Almost._

"You seem tired." I said, as he took off his kutte and set it on the rack.

"Long day. I dealt with Gemma's shit all day and then Clay and the guy's shit all during church. The guys fight like children."

"I always thought they were toddlers with a drinking problems."

He stifled a laugh, "That's exactly what they are."

He walked into the kitchen, "You want a beer or anything?"

"Sure, sounds great." I heard him pop off the beer tabs.

He sat mine down on the table since Abel was in my arms. "How was he?" I saw him raise his eyebrows, asking about his new son.

"Great, a little fuss here and there. Nothing out of the ordinary. He's perfect, Jax, really."

I saw his smile from his ear to ear. It was obvious just how proud he was of his son.

"Thanks," He was blushing, "he's pretty great. It's kinda weird having him home."

"You just have to adjust, that's normal. You're gonna be fine, Jax."

He nodded, he always hated talking about himself and his feelings. "I'm gonna hop in the shower. You good?"

I looked down at the sleeping baby in my arms, and couldn't help but smile, "Yeah, I'm great."

I looked back up to see Jax smiling, and then he nodded again.  
For the second time tonight, I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

* * *

A little after I heard the water start to run for Jax's shower, my arms were starting to get tired. I laid Abel down in his crib for the night. He was such a peaceful child, so calm. I was staring at a child that wasn't mine, I knew, but I couldn't help but thinking of how much a miracle this child was.

I heard him before I saw him. He walked with a heavy foot, I heard him walking down the hallway.

He knocked lightly on the nursery door, "Hey. He okay?"

"Yeah, I just laid him down. He really is perfect, Jax. You got lucky with a sleeper."

"Yeah, I did." He laughed quietly, making sure not to wake Abel.

We were silent for a minute, both of us staring at his sleeping child. I was mesmerized at how miraculous this child had become. The silence that had fallen upon us was starting to become awkward. I know he's waiting for me to finally tell him everything he needs to know. Luckily, I brought some help.

"You ever think about kids, Tara?"

I was surprised he would ever ask me that. "Yeah, I want to be a mom someday."

"You'd be a great mom, Tara."

"You think so? I don't know, I always felt I was too tense to be a mom."

"Nah, you got nothing to worry about. Trust me."

"I remember getting all worried about being the strict, helicopter mom that never let my kid have any fun."

"Oh no, you're too wild to be like that."

A single tear rolled down my face. Here comes the truth bomb. I didn't know to respond, I didn't know where to start.

"Wait, what do you mean 'remember getting worried'?"

I walked out into the living room and took a big gulp of the cold beer.

"Jax….you need to know something. I-uh, I was pregnant. We were pregnant. Abel would've been a little brother."

I literally saw his heart sink in his chest and all of the oxygen in his body leaving. I could see his heart breaking too. "What..the..fuck?"

"I was going to tell you, I would've told you..if it lasted. I'm so sorry you never knew."

"When?"

The tears were real now, my face was covered in them, my words were breaking up.

"I-I was already away at school when I found out. We weren't speaking, we were broken up, you weren't responding to my letters, I thought you hated me, Jax."

"I never got any letters."

"I know. I wrote them to the garage, your mom took all of them."

There was silence. I could see the rage building.

"I never thought of killing it, Jax. I wanted the baby. I wanted to be a mom. I went to the doctor, I started buying little outfits, I was thinking of names. I was going to come home on my winter break and tell you. But-but, he never made it. I was at a check-up and the doctor told me he had the same heart defect you, Thomas, and your mom have. He just wasn't strong enough. He was only three months old. It was a boy, Jax. We would've had a boy. I'm so sorry I never told you. I'm sorry we never got the chance to raise him. I'm sorry I couldn't I protect him. I'm so sorry."

He walked over to me and held me. I could hear him crying softly, too. "It's not your fault, Tara."

"I'm so sorry, Jackson. You would've been a great dad."

"I'm sorry, too." He was running his fingers through my fingers.

We stayed like that for hours, my head on his chest with his muscular arms wrapped around me.

I stood up, and let go his strong embrace. I walked over to my bag by the door.

I knelt in front of him. I handed him the first pregnancy letter that he needed to read now.

"This says all the bullshit I'm too weak to say. Read these two when you're done. This bag, these are all the letters I never sent to you. I'm so sorry, Jackson. We talked about kids together, and then God gave us our chance and then he took it away from us. I'm sorry you never knew."

He kissed my forehead. "I'm sorry, too."

I walked into Abel's room to give him some space to read them in private.

 _My Dearest Jax.,_

 _I got the greatest news today._

 _I wish it was under better circumstances, but that doesn't change anything._

 _I believe in you, and I believe in this baby._

 _Our baby._

 _Maybe everything we talked about is coming true. Maybe there still is hope._

 _Maybe us having a child is what we needed to put our lives into perspective._

 _Maybe this is God giving us a second chance in a really unique, and shitty way._

 _I hope you know this wasn't on purpose, or to trap you. I hope you know me better than that._

 _I hope you know that I love you too much to trap you into something you don't want._

 _I hope you know, this baby, our baby, doesn't change the way I feel._

 _I hope the news of us having a child brought you happiness, like it brought me happiness._

 _I'm keeping this baby, and will love it unconditionally forever, whether you're ready to love it or not._

 _This baby will love Harley's, will love books, and will love you- no matter if you choose to raise him or her with me._

 _Always Yours,_

 _Tara_

I heard him shuffle paper around and I heard the quiet sound of crying. I knew he was done with the letter.

I peeked my head outside the room and saw his head in his hands.

I walked over to this sad man, who had no idea what else I was hiding.

I crouched down in front of him, holding his hands in mine.

It was a few minutes before he spoke. "I wish I had known."

"Me too."

"Did you really think I wouldn't want him? Do you think that low of me? Do you think I hate you?"

He seemed so offended.

"No! I didn't how to tell you, I didn't know how you'd react. I didn't know if you still loved me. I didn't know your mom had my letters, you weren't responding- I thought you never wanted to see me again. I didn't know anything. We ended so badly…. I'm sorry."

"I could've been there for you. Maybe things would've been different."

"Maybe." I offered him a smile.

"We were going to have a boy?"

I saw his smile, that Teller smile I fell in love with. "Yeah, a boy. Teller's only have boys, right?"

"What was going to be his name?"

"I wanted to name him Thomas. I know how much you loved your brother."

He hugged me then- tighter than he's ever hugged me.

I've had almost 11 years to process my heartbreak over our child. I'm still not over the loss of our child. I have no idea how he's going to get over this- or when.

 _At least he's not mad at me._

"What would you have done?" The words were broken up. It seemed almost as if he was scared to ask.

"Oh, I don't know. I never got a chance to figure that out."

He nodded, understanding that I didn't really want to talk about him.

But, after keeping this secret for 11 years, he deserves it.

"I probably would've stayed for the rest of the semester and then come home to Charming. Maybe enroll at the community college, move back in with my dad. I'm not really sure, Jax. Our lives would be completely different."

"You loved me and the baby enough to leave San Diego?"

I looked down at my hands, "Yeah, I did. You knew that, Jax. I left because I loved me more. I was tired of being second to you, when you came first to me. But yeah, I would've come home to you and to Charming. I always wanted to."

"You did?" He seemed so surprised.

"Yeah. God, Jax, I didn't leave because I hated you or didn't love you. I left because of me. You know, I was always waiting for you to show up and knock on my door to take me home." I paused to think, "But, you never did. So I stayed."

"I thought you never wanted to see me again."

"I thought you hated me."

He laughed then. "We're two fucked up people, you and me."

Silence fell upon us again.

I spoke first. "Could you imagine that baby in there being ours? I could back then, but now, God, so much has happened."

"Jesus Christ, when I was 18 every time we had sex I thought you were pregnant. I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner."

I played with my hands, trying to avoid his stare. "If it had, when we were that young, would you have been there for me?"

"Tara, I fucking loved you. I think if you had our kid, I would've fucking worshipped you. A little person half of me and half of you, I think I would've been so fucking happy."

That was the most honest Jackson Teller has ever been with me. "And now?"

"Now? I have no fucking clue. But I wouldn't fucking desert you. You should know that, Tara."

"Yeah, I know." I nodded.

This was only going to get more awkward. "You keep reading, I'm going to bed."

I was deciding to be brave. I wasn't going to leave tonight. This night was too important to leave him.

I kissed him on the lips, quickly, with no tongue.

Almost like it was routine. Almost like it was our nightly kiss.  
 _Almost._

"Goodnight, Tara."

He didn't seem to caught off guard with the kiss.

Maybe the news of our son is the one thing to bring us back together.

I walked down the hallway to his bedroom. All the crying had made me so tired.

I took of my day clothes, and rummaged through his dresser to find one of his t-shirts.

It was almost like nothing had changed in eleven years. It was almost like it was the same old Jax and Tara. Me, sleeping in his bed, in his t-shirt, me telling him about a pregnancy scare- almost seemed like our relationship from eleven years ago.  
 _Almost._

I heard the shuffle of papers once again, and knew it would be hours before he came to bed. And I knew he would come to bed, instead of a couch, tonight in light of all the sharing we did tonight. We were working on finding ourselves again. And I knew after sharing my deepest secret, he would know that I wouldn't want to be alone.

I wanted him with me. Always. He should know that.

I closed my eyes and prayed for us. I prayed for a happy ending.

I heard light crying and prayed some more.

* * *

It was hours later.

It was the middle of the night.

I heard him shuffling into the bedroom. He must've finished reading the pregnancy letters, maybe more. I gave him the bag of all my unsent letters.

I heard him take off his sweats. I felt him slide into his bed.

I felt his left arm wrap around me, I felt his body behind mine, spooning me.

It felt so natural to feel his embrace. It felt right.

"Thank you for telling me." He whispered into the night. I smiled.

"I'm sorry you went through everything alone."

"Me too." I whispered back.

"I'm here now."

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. He was here now, and that was all that mattered.


End file.
